奶酪的气味

The Odor of Cheese Cheese, like oil, makes too much of itself. It wants the whole boat to itself. It goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesy flavour to everything else there. You can’t ell whether you are eating apple-pie or German sausage, or strawberries and cream. It all seems cheese. There is too much odour about cheese. 　　 I remember a friend of mine buying a couple of cheeses in Liverpool. Splendid cheeses they were, ripe and mellow, and with a two hundred horsepower scent about them that might have been warranted to carry three miles, and knock a men over at two hundred yards. I was in Liverpool at the time, and my friend said that if I didn’t mind he would get me to take them back with me to London, as he should not be coming up for a day or two himself, and he did not think the cheese ought to be kept much longer. 　　 “Oh, with pleasure, dear boy,” I replied, “with pleasure.” 　　 I called for the cheeses, and took them away in a cab. It was a ramshackle affair, dragged along by a knock-kneed, broken-winded somnambulist, which his owner, in a moment of enthusiasm, during conversation, referred to as a horse. I put the cheeses on the top, and we started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swiftest steam-roller ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell, until we turned the corner. There, the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses full on to our steed. It woke him up, and with a snort of terror, he dashed off at three miles an hour. The wind still blew in his direction, and before we reached the end of the street he was laying himself out at the rate of nearly four miles an hour, leaving the cripples and stout ladies simple nowhere. It took two porters as well as the driver to hold him in at the station; and I do not think we would have done it, even then, had not one of the men had the presence of mind to put a handkerchief over his nose, and to light a bit of brown paper. 　　 I took my ticket, and marched proudly up the platform, with my cheeses, the people falling back respectfully on either side. The train was crowded, and I had to get into a carriage where there were already seven other people. One crusty old gentleman objected, but I got in, notwithstanding; and putting my cheeses upon the rack, squeezed down with a pleasant smile, and said it was a warm day. A few moments passed, and them the old gentleman began to fidget. 　　 “Very close in here,” he said. 　　 “Quite oppressive,” said the man next to him. 　　 And then they both began sniffing, and, at the third sniff, they caught it right on the chest, and rose up without another word and went out. And then a stout lady got up, and said it was disgraceful that a respectable married women should be harried about in this way, and gathered up a bag and eight parcels and went. The remaining four passengers sat on for a while, until a solemn-looking man in the corner who, from his dress and general appearance, seemed to being to the undertaker class, said it put him in mind of a dead baby; and the other three passengers tried to get out of the door at the same time, and hurt themselves. 　　 I smiled at the black gentleman, and said I thought we were going to have the carriage to ourselves; and he laughed pleasantly and said that some people made such a fuss over a little thing. But even he grew strangely depressed after we had started, and so, when we reached Crewe, I asked him to come and have a drink. He accepted, and we forced our way into the buffet, where we yelled, and stamped, and waved our umbrellas for a quarter of an hour; and then a young lady came and asked us if we wanted anything. 　　 “ What’s yours?” I said, turning to my friend. 　　 “I’ll have a half a crown’s worth of brandy, neat, if you please, miss,” he responded. And he went off quietly after he had drunk it and got into another carriage, which I thought mean. 　　 From Crewe I had the compartment to myself, though the train was crowded. As we drew up at the different stations, the people, seeing my empty carriage, would rush for it. “Here y’ are, Maria; come along, plenty of room.” “All right, Tom; we’ll get in here,” they would shout. And they would run along, carrying heavy bags, and fight around the door to get in first. And one would open the door and mount the steps and stagger back into the arms of the man behind him; and they would all come and have a sniff, and then troop off and squeeze into other carriages, or pay the difference and go first. 　　 Form Euston I took the cheeses down to my friend’s house. When his wife came into the room she smelt round for an instant. Then she said: 　　“ What is it? Tell me the worst.” 　　 I said: “It’s cheeses. Tom bought them in Liverpool, and asked me to bring them up with me.” 　　 And I added that I hoped she understood that it had nothing to do with me; and she said that she was sure of that, but that she would speak to Tom about it when he came back. 　　My friend was detained in Liverpool longer than he expected; and three days late, as he hadn’t returned home, his wife called on me. She said: “What did Tom say about those cheeses?” 　　 I replied that he had directed they were to be kept in a moist place, and that nobody was to touch them. 　　 She said: “Nobody’s likely to touch them. Had he smelt them?” 　　 I thought he had, and added that he seemed greatly attached to them. 　　 “You think he would be upset,” she queried, “if I give a man a sovereign to take them away and bury them?” 　　 I answered that I thought he would never smile again. 　　 An idea struck her. She said: “Do you mind keeping them for him? Let me send them round to you.” 　　 “Madam,” I replied, “for myself I like the smell of cheeses, and the journey the other day with them from Liverpool I shall ever look back upon as a happy ending to a pleasant holiday. But, in this world, we must consider others. The lady under whose roof I have the honour of residing is a widow, and, for all I know, possible an orphan too. She ahs a strong, I may say, an eloquent objection to being what she terms ‘put upon’. The presence of your husband’s cheeses in her house she would, I instinctively feel, regard as a ‘put upon’, and it shall never be said that I put upon the widow and the orphan.” 　　 “Very well, then,” said my friend’s wife, rising, “all I have to say is that I shall take the children and go to a hotel until those cheeses are eaten. I decline to live any longer in the same house with them.” 　　 She kept her word, leaving the place in charge of the charwoman. The hotel bill came to fifteen guineas; and my friend, after reckoning everything up, found that the cheeses had cost him eight-and-six pence a pound. He said he dearly loved a bit of cheeses, but it was beyond his means, so he determined to get rid of them. He threw them into the canal; but had to fish them out again, as the bargemen complained. They said it made them feel quite faint. And, after that, he took them one dark night and left them in the parish mortuary. But the coroner discovered them, and make a fearful fuss. He said it was a plot to deprive him of his living by waking up the corpses. 　　 My friend got rid of them, at last, by taking them down to a seaside town and burying them on the beach. It gained the place quite reputation. Visitors said they had never noticed before how strong the air was, and weak-chested and consumptive people used to throng there for years afterwards. 　　 奶酪的气味 　　奶酪，和石油一样，也会呛得人够戗。（咱们若带上奶酪）整条船都会充满它的气味。叫你分不出自己吃的是苹果馅饼，德国香肠，还是奶油草莓。好像都成了奶酪。奶酪的气味太大了。 　　 记得有一回，我的一位朋友在利物浦买了几块奶酪。那奶酪甭提多棒了，成色十足，香气四溢，那气味抵得上200马力，准保能传到3英里以外，把200码以内的人熏倒。那时候，我正在利物浦。那位朋友说，如果我不介意的话，他想托我把那几块奶酪捎回伦敦，因为他可能一两天之内回不去，琢磨着那些奶酪不能再放了。 　　"噢，没问题，老朋友， ”我回答说： “愿意为你效劳” 　　我去取了奶酪，拿到出租马车里。那辆车破旧不堪，快要散架了。拉车的牲口四条腿朝里弯着，一步一喘，像梦游似地拖着车朝前晃悠，车老大只是在侃到兴头上时才偶尔称其为一匹马。我将奶酪放到车顶上，我们便一摇一晃地上路了。那速度令迄今为止跑得最快的压路机也会望车兴叹。起初，满车子像丧钟似地慢悠悠地吱扭，颇为有趣，后来拐过街角，情况发生了变化。风把一股子奶酪的气味直吹向我们的骏马。这气味使它清醒过来，猛然一惊，从鼻子里嘟嘟地喷出一股气 ，便以每小时三英里的速度向前奔去。风不停地朝它吹去，还没等达到街的那一头，它便鼓足了劲儿，车速几乎达到了每小时4英里，把路上的残疾人还有肥胖的太太们远远地抛在脑后。 　　到了火车站，除了车老大之外又加上两个脚夫才算把他拉住。可是在我看来，若不是他们其中一人能够临危不乱，用手帕捂住它的鼻子，又燃起草纸抵消奶酪的气味，他们根本止不住它。 　　我拿出车票，带着奶酪，大摇大摆地走上站台，站台上的人都恭恭敬敬地退向两旁。车上人很多，我只好走进一个已经坐了七个人的车厢。有个乖戾的老者示反对，可我还是执意进去了我将奶酪放到行李架上 ，一边面带微笑硬挤着坐下，一边搭讪说今天的天气可真暖和。过了不大一会儿，那老者便烦躁不安起来。 　　 “这儿的空气真闷 ”他说。 　　“闷得令人难受” ，他身旁的男人说。 　　紧接着，俩人都皱起鼻子嗅起来。还没等嗅到第三下，那奶酪的气味已经直抵胸腔。二人顾不上再说一句话，便连忙起身离去了。 　　随后，一位大块头的夫人站了起来，口中说道，简直不像话，像她这样已经嫁了人的体面女子竟会遭受这种折磨。然后将她那一个提包和8个包裹归在一起，拿上走了。剩下的那4名乘客又坐了一会儿。这时，坐在角落里的男子开腔了，那人一脸严肃，从他的衣着和表情来看像是个殡仪员。他说，这气味使他想起了一个死去的婴儿。听了这话，其他那三名乘客同时挤向门口急着出去，身上都挤破了。 　　我朝那穿黑衣服的男子笑着说，看来我们可以独享这个车厢了。他爽朗地笑道，有些人就是这样，一点点小事也要大惊小怪。可是等开车以后，竟然连他也莫名其妙地打起蔫来。当车开到克鲁车站时，我邀他一起去喝上一杯。他答应了。于是，我们挤进餐车 ，在那儿又是吆喝，又是跺脚，又是挥舞手里的雨伞，足有一刻钟才过来一个女招待，问我们是否想要点什么。 　　“你想要点什么？ ”我转身问我那位朋友。 　　“请给我半克朗的白兰地，要纯的，小姐， ”他说。 　　 　　他喝完酒之后便悄悄地走了，去了另一个车厢，真不够意思。 　　虽说车上人很多，可过了克鲁之后，这个车厢便一直由我一人独坐了。每到一站，人们看到我我这个空空的车厢，便会蜂拥过来。 “到这边来，玛丽亚。快来，这儿有的是空位间” “好的，汤姆，咱们就进这个车厢吧。 ”人们总会这样，一边喊着一边提着大包小包跑过来，在车门前你争我抢，都想第一个进来。这时，会有人打开车门，登上阶梯，然后又踉跄着退回去倒在后面一个人的怀里。凡是进来的人，便会抽鼻子，然后一个个离去，要么挤进别的车厢，要么掏钱补足差额换到一等车厢里去。 　　 　　我在尤斯顿下了车，带着奶酪去了朋友家。朋友的妻子一进屋便到处闻，闻了一会儿说道： 　　 　　“出了什么事？再坏的消息也请直说。 ” 　　 我说：“是奶酪。是汤姆在利物浦买的，他让我带回来给你。 　　 　　我又说，希望她能明白这事与我无关。她说她相信我的话，可是等汤姆回来她得跟他谈谈。 　　 　　我的朋友在利物浦多耽搁了一些日子，过了三天，见他还没有回来，他的妻子便来找我了。她说： 　　 　　“那几块奶酪做何处理，汤姆是怎么同你说的？ ” 　　 　　 我告诉她汤姆让把它们放在潮湿处，谁也别乱动。 　　 　　她说：“谁也不会去动它们的;他闻过这些奶酪吗？ 　　 　　我说想必他闻过，还说他好像很喜欢这些奶酪。 　　 　　“你觉得要是我出一英镑找个人把它们拿走埋掉” ，她又问：“他会不高兴吗？ 　　 我说在我看来，如果那么做，他以后再也不会有笑脸了。 　　她突然想到了一个主意，说道： 　　“那你替他保管，好吗？我让人给你送过来。” 　　“夫人 ”我说，“就我本人而言，我很喜欢奶酪的气味。前几天我带着它们从利物浦回来这趟旅行，可谓给我愉快的假期划上了一个完美的句号，我将永不忘怀。可是，人生在世，我们得为别人着想。我的房东太太是个寡妇，据我所知，可能还是个孤儿。她总是对她所谓的“被人愚弄”的事强烈地，不妨说是滔滔不绝地反对。我凭直觉感到，如果把你丈夫的奶酪带到在她的房子里，她肯定会认为是“愚弄”她。我可不能让别人说我愚弄寡妇或者孤儿。 　　 　　“那么好吧，”朋友的妻子起身说道“我只好带着孩子去住旅馆，等到那几块奶酪被吃完了再回来。放着奶酪的房子我可住不下去了。 　　 　　她果真那么做了，把家留给女仆照看，住旅馆花了十五畿尼。后来我的的朋友把所有费用加在一起，发现那些奶酪的价钱合8先令零六便士一磅了。他说虽然他的确喜爱吃奶酪，但他实在负担不起这笔费用。于是，他决定把这些奶酪扔掉。他先是将奶酪丢进运河里 ;过后又不得不把它们捞上来。因为船夫们发牢骚，说那气味熏得他们头晕脑涨。后来，在一个漆黑的夜晚，我那朋友把它们放进了教区的太平间。可是，验尸官发现了这些奶酪，大发雷霆。他说这是个阴谋，企图用奶酪熏醒死尸，砸了他的饭碗 。 　　 　　 最后，我的朋友把那几块奶酪带到一个海滨小城，埋进沙滩里，才算把它们摆脱了。不料，这地方却因此出了名。游客们说，他们以前从未注意到那儿海边空气的气味如此强烈。此后一连好多年，那里总是挤满了肺虚或者患有肺疾的人。