新成长的烦恼第1季04

新成长的烦恼第1季04 COACH KELLY: Come on! Go, go, go! That's it! That's it! Let's go, girls! Move it! Let's go! Get through those tires! Come on. Get in there. Go, go, go, go, go! LIZZIE: ( voice over ) Welcome to my nightmare. COACH KELLY: Group Three, let's go! TOON LIZZIE: Third period gym. Like, hello, I wasn't going for that sticky, sweaty look when I got dressed this morning. COACH KELLY: Come on, McGuire! We don't have all day! GIRLS: One, two, three, go! LIZZIE: ( voice over ) Okay, we won that World Cup soccer thing. Very empowering and fabulous... if you have a future in cleats TOON LIZZIE: Which I don't. LIZZIE: ( voice over ) And I wouldn't exactly qualify as one of those Future Prom Queens of America. Not that I mind but these are the girls who do book reports on "The Pocket Guide to Jennifer Love Hewitt." COACH KELLY: Come on, you guys! LIZZIE: ( voice over ) And I'm kind of short on attitude. TOON LIZZIE: Is it just me or do they all look like they're posing for Gap ads? Which leaves me, Lizzie McGuire. Not nerd... not jock... not brain... no rebel... not diva. I guess you'd say I was "D," as in "None of the above." LIZZIE: ( voice over ) According to my mom I'm at a very difficult point in my life. She uses words like "hormones." JO: I want to take to you about hormones. LIZZIE: ( voice over ) A lot. My mom says she remembers what it was like when she was my age. She says everyone's going through the same physical and psychological changes as I am that we all just handle them differently. And except for chat rooms and brain surgeon Barbies things aren't all that different. And that's what makes us who we are. I know she's trying to help, so I tell her she is 'cause that's pretty much the only way I can get out of my room. ----------- THEME SONG ----------- * If you believe * * We've got a picture-perfect plan * * We've got you fooled * * 'Cause we only do the best we can * * And sometimes we make it * * And sometimes we fake it * * But we get one step closer each and every day * * We'll figure it out on the way. * MIRANDA I'm ready for a wish bead. LIZZIE: ( voice over ) My best friend, Miranda Sanchez. I'm the only person who knows she has little dress-up outfits for her Beanie Babies. Not the kind of information you can trust with a lot of people. GORDO: Okay, you do realize this is a completely pointless exercise? MIRANDA: Shut up, Gordo. GORDO: Because if there really were magical wish beads that you could actually buy in a store I think would have heard something. MIRANDA: Can you control him? LIZZIE: ( laughs ) LIZZIE: ( voice over ) I've known Gordo since I was one day old. He's smart and funny and really creative and is pretty much right about everything. GIRL: Hi, Gordo. LIZZIE: All right, we're delusional. We're totally kidding ourselves. It's something we like to think. MIRANDA: Oh, there's a ringing endorsement. GIRLS: Truth or dare? Truth or dare? KATE: Truth! GORDO: It's a game based completely on humiliation and embarrassment. Is there not enough to go around? ( girls giggling ) LIZZIE: ( voice over ) Kate Sanders-- She used to be our other best friend... until she bought a bra. Now she won't speak to us. MIRANDA: Man, it must be nice to wake up one day with a chest and realize you're not a social zero anymore. LIZZIE: Miranda, we are not social zeroes. GIRL: Gordo, Julian says a squid is the same as an octopus. GORDO: Guys, we've been over this. DANNY: Hey. Hey, cool. LIZZIE: Huh? Oh! Oh, thanks. TOON LIZZIE: ( voice over ) His name is Danny Kessler and he's the closest any of us are ever going to get to Brad Pitt. CLAIR: Danny, somebody back here wants to kiss you! DANNY: It's a burden. LIZZIE: We share your pain. DANNY: So, listen, do you guys know the Slip Slide? LIZZIE: You mean the water park your family owns? DANNY: Yeah. Well, we're kind of having a massive pool party there on Saturday. Do you think you guys want to come? LIZZIE / MIRANDA: Whoa! DANNY: Great. I'll put you guys on the list. GIRL: Oh, Danny... GIRLS: ( giggling ) KATE: Stop it! DANNY: Duty calls. Now, who do I have to kiss? ( girls squealing ) ( kissing sound ) MIRANDA: Okay, what just happened?! LIZZIE: Oh my god! SAM: Matt, I told you I'm not ready for the motor yet, okay? No, I'm not going to paint with that one. I'm going to use the little brush, all right? JO: This is big... LIZZIE: Big? No. Mom, this is huge. This is, like, epic. JO: Oh, honey, I still remember my first major party and, oh! LIZZIE: Mom, Mom, I know how much you enjoy your trips down memory lane but just this once can this be about me? JO: Yeah, okay. I'm just saying it's something you remember your whole life. LIZZIE: Duh. MATT: Can I go? JO: No. MATT: Mom? JO: No. MATT: (to SAM) Well, I guess there's no point asking you, is there? SAM: I guess not. MATT: When I have a family there's going to be a whole different balance of power. SAM: I wish you a lot of luck with that, son. LIZZIE: I can't believe Danny Kessler spoke to me. SAM: And this is important because? JO: Kind of a hunk-in-training. Spends most of the bus ride home swapping spit with one girl or another. MATT / SAM: Eww, there's kissing on your bus?! LIZZIE: Not all the time. Mostly it's strip poker. Kidding! SAM: Am I the only one upset? MATT: No. This is the worst thing I've ever heard! SAM: Thank you. MATT: There's no way I'm doing any kissing. LIZZIE: Okay, don't worry, nobody wants that and I mean, nobody. MATT: Hey! SAM: Alright, listen. I think we should report this. JO: Well, go right ahead. You do have the number for the executive in charge of hormones? TOON LIZZIE: See? Again with the hormones. SAM: All right, look, are you kissing? LIZZIE: Back off, Major Dad. JO: Oh, that's good-- confrontation 'cause that always works. Listen, it's under control, okay? Lizzie and I talk, right, honey? JO: Right? LIZZIE: Constant flow of communication. TOON LIZZIE: Most of it coming from my mom. SAM: Fine. MATT Hey, Dad I'm not sure about this party. SAM: You know, he has a point. LIZZIE: You know, I am also prepared to feed this entire book to your gerbils. SAM: Come on, that's his favorite book... Give me the book, Lizzie:. JO Okay, stop. Come on. Stop. All right. That's great. Stop. Come on. Stop! MATT: Mom! JO: Stop! Stop! Okay, look, it's not an issue. Obviously, you can't miss Danny Kessler's pool party, right? TOON LIZZIE: She's being so great. Maybe I don't give her enough credit. JO: When is it? LIZZIE: Saturday. ( screaming ) JO: Saturday? ( car crash ) TOON LIZZIE: Huh? JO: Lizzie, that's Nana's birthday. LIZZIE: No, Mom, no. JO Oh, honey, I wish there was something I could do. LIZZIE: It's not fair, Mom, I have to be there. JO: There will be lots of other times. LIZZIE: But is Nana going to hate me? JO: Never. Why would she? LIZZIE: Well, for missing her party. SAM: And I thought we were getting off easy. MATT: Bozo, no way you're bugging on Nana's party! JO: Lizzie, your grandmother is turning 80. That's a big deal. LIZZIE: Two seconds ago my party was epic! JO: This is a major family event, and you're going to be there. LIZZIE: Can I point out that Nana did not come to my birthday this year? SAM: Because she was in the hospital having her hip replaced. TOON LIZZIE: No! LIZZIE: Okay, does anybody care about me or my happiness? MATT: Can I answer that? JO: No. That's it. End of discussion. Dinner's ready. LIZZIE: And I'm also not hungry. MATT: Be thankful you have one easy child. ( bloodcurdling scream ) MIRANDA: You parents are so Blair Witch. LIZZIE: You know, you can go if you want to. MIRANDA: I'm not going without you. Would you go without me? LIZZIE: Of course not. You know, for all I know my grandmother's, like, lying about her age and she's really, like, 79. MIRANDA: And then we're missing the party for nothing. GORDO: You know what's astonishing? People are always saying to us, "Say no to drugs. Say no to smoking." But not one word of the emotional horror of choosing up sides in gym class. It can scar you for life. Thanks, your support means the world to me. LIZZIE: Sorry, Gordo. I'm in the middle of a crisis. GORDO: Yeah? Tell me. I could use a good crisis. I'm so sick of listening to all these brain-dead nimwits twittering on about Danny Kessler's pool party. MIRANDA: We may not be your target audience. GORDO: Oh, not you, too. Lizzie McGuire, I'm so disappointed in you. LIZZIE: Gordo, give me a break. I'm allowed to be shallow once in a while. GORDO: Look, in life you have two choices: One, you get to be super cool and popular for a few insignificant years of school. Or two, you get to become a valuable member of society and gloat about it at every reunion for decades afterwards. You can't have both. MIRANDA: Where do you get this stuff? GORDO: My parents are both shrinks. I read their case files. Oh, I probably should warn you if you think you don't like your body now, just wait. ( bell rings ) KATE: Hey, guys. MIRANDA: Oh, hi, Kate. LIZZIE: Hi, Kate. KATE: Miranda, your mom, doesn't she know how to make those mehndi tattoos? MIRANDA: Yeah. KATE: 'Cause for Danny's party we're thinking those would be so totally hot. MIRANDA: Y-Yeah. I-I mean, sure. LIZZIE: Maybe you ought to ask her first. MIRANDA: Yeah, of course, I'll ask her. But she'll definitely do it. KATE: Great, so maybe after school we should... hang. MIRANDA: Absolutely, w-we're always up for hanging. KATE: Cool. MIRANDA: What was I supposed to do? She was standing right there. I couldn't just blow her off. LIZZIE: Yeah, I was standing right there and you just blew me off. MIRANDA: I did not! When? LIZZIE: Okay, one question: Are you going to that party now, even though I can't? MIRANDA: What? You think that just because my mom's going to draw some fake tattoos on their skin I would just do that to you? Just completely change my mind and go? ( sighing ) TOON LIZZIE: ( sighing ) MIRANDA: Would you be mad? TOON LIZZIE: ( fist landing ) * Yeah, Get ready 'cause here we come * * Rock steady and have some fun... * KATE: Come on, 'Randa, let's sit back here. * We're cruisin' yeah, we're so tight... * LIZZIE: 'Randa? * We've got it, yeah, we're all right * * Yeah, yeah, yeah... * ( jeering ) * Get ready to cruise with the king * * He's stylish, yeah, he's so slick * * Wild women, he takes his pick * * He's special, yeah, he's so fine * * Them hotties, they stand in line * * He's on board to do his thing * * So get ready to cruise with the king. * JO: ( on phone) You know what I need? I need a big sign over my computer that says, "Jo, shut up!" 'Cause what was I thinking volunteering to do that newsletter? ( to LIZZIE ) Hey, share that with your brother, okay? ( on phone ) I know... MATT: Hey! Mom! JO: She... She might do it. MATT: Mom, Lizzie changed channels without even asking, and I was here first! Mom! JO: This is crazy. I've got to rent an office. She might do it. Would you feel comfortable calling her? ( glass breaking ) JO: What are you going to say? MATT: I was here first! JO: You guys, please, come on! ( on phone ) I have to get out of this. So what's a good lie? Well, you know, a lie is always more convincing than the truth, isn't it? ( chuckles ) I mean, you can't argue with, "My hard drive crashed I don't know what happened." LIZZIE: Mom, I think I might be sick the day of Nana's birthday. JO: Marian, hold on... JO: You're going. Get your mind around it. LIZZIE: So it's okay for you to bug out of stuff you don't want to do but it's not okay for me? JO: Of course not... I mean, of course... This is very different, honey. LIZZIE: Yeah, you don't have anyone making you do the stuff you don't want to. JO Um, I have to call you back, okay. Lizzie. Come back here, please. LIZZIE: No! MATT: I don't know what you see in her. LIZZIE: ( voice over ) It's okay, it's okay. I don't need my mother. I don't need my best friend. I don't need anybody. I'll be a loner... independent. A woman who runs with the wolves. ( wolves howling ) SAM: Lizzie. LIZZIE: ( voice over ) Great, they've sent in the understudy. LIZZIE: I'm doing my homework. SAM: I haven't seen you all day. LIZZIE: I look pretty much the same. JO: That's it? That's all you got? SAM: Hey, I got a body part in the room. That's more than you can say. JO: But she won't talk to anyone. I mean, she hasn't even called Miranda, which is really weird. SAM: Okay. JO: Don't you even care what's going on? SAM: Yes, fine. I'll go back in and ask her. JO: Well, wait a minute. This isn't your area of expertise. SAN: Our child is not my area of expertise? May I remind you that I'm the one that potty-trained her? JO: Yes, I know, I know-- you're enshrined in the Parenting Hall of Fame. It's just that I'm talking about girls. They can be really toxic to each other. They gossip, they ridicule and sometimes your best friend can be your worst enemy. SAM: That's really more than I wanted to know. JO: When you go back in pretend you're looking for the hairbrush. SAM: I get it. I'm looking for the hairbrush and then I ask her. JO: No, no. no, no, no! Then you make a completely neutral observation on a completely unrelated topic. SAM:So I back into the question? JO: Yeah... No, no! Don't even go near it unless she is making eye contact with you and speaking in complete sentences. SAM: Does this take long? Should I bring some trail mix? [ Jo watches SAM and LIZZIE talking on the patio ] SAM: Wow, her life has so much emotion... so much drama. It's completely exhilarating to have her open up like that to me. JO: How nice for you. LIZZIE: I can't believe she could just do that to me. Just like completely blow me off. Oh, she's such a total hypocrite... which she will never admit! GORDO: Well, you can't really admit to being a hypocrite because, well, then you're not a hypocrite. LIZZIE: Gordo, what goes on in your head? Is it just like one continuous game show? GORDO: I was listening. If you want my opinion... LIZZIE: No, I just want your aces. GORDO: Well, you're getting both. Give your mom a break. It's no great deal being grown up. My mom's idea of fun is watching CNN while she's on the treadmill. Hey, I'd snap, too. LIZZIE: Listen, Judge Judy if I thought you were going to take their side I wouldn't have started this conversation. So don't even try defending Miranda. Because there's nothing you can say. Fine, say it. GORDO: I just don't see how you can be so mad at her for doing the one thing you want to do so much. LIZZIE: That's not it. You know, I don't even care if she goes. GORDO: You just don't want her to have a good time. LIZZIE: N-No... no. GORDO: Look, I know how you feel. My best friend was going to go to this party without me. LIZZIE: So you can't go either? GORDO: I wasn't invited. LIZZIE: Oh, that stinks. GORDO: Yeah, but there are just some things you get used to. And let me tell you, that isn't one of them. LIZZIE: So was your friend going anyway? GORDO: Turns out she can't. It's her grandmother's birthday. LIZZIE: That's an amazing coincidence. GORDO: Thought you'd think so. LIZZIE: Hey. JO: Hey. Well, I wanted to be the one to tell you that it looks like you get to go to the pool party after all. LIZZIE: Why? JO I just got off the phone with Nana. ( bloodcurdling scream ) JO: And she's going to Las Vegas with her girlfriends from her club. They have entered themselves in the World Series of Poker. ( laughs ) Well, okay... LIZZIE: Mom? JO: Hmm? LIZZIE: Future reference... uh, Dad's really bad with that hairbrush routine. JO: Hairbrush routine? LIZZIE: Yeah, the one where you have something you want to talk to me about so you strike up a casual conversation while pretending to look for the hairbrush. JO: The hairbrush routine-- I know it well. Lizzie... we've got some whoppers ahead of us. LIZZIE: Don't ruin the surprise. JO: I guess all I'm trying to say, honey is that I know we talk a lot... I talk a lot, okay... about the changes that you're going through. But just try to remember that the only thing I want is the only thing I've ever wanted-- and that's just for you to be happy. Okay? Come here... TOON LIZZIE: See? And that's why it pays to let your parents yammer. Every once in awhile they hit on something you really need to hear. [ the song "Why Can't We Be Friends" ] * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? * * I've seen ya, I've seen ya * * I've seen ya round for a long, long time... * LIZZIE: ( voice over ) As it turns out I decided not to go to Danny's party. Gordo says it's always useful to confound your peers by not doing the thing that's expected of you. I have no idea if he's right but I figure if you're going to listen to anybody it might as well be a guy who spends an entire Saturday helping you tie-dye your sheets. * ...Kind of like to be the president... * TOON LIZZIE: So, maybe I missed the defining event of my adolescence. But, then again, maybe the defining moment is realizing that there really is no such thing. Yeah, that's it. GORDO: Truth or dare? LIZZIE: You hate that game. GORDO: I know. Just pick truth. LIZZIE: Um... GORDO: Am I complete germ? LIZZIE: No. GORDO: On a scale of one to ten? LIZZIE: Gordo, I am not going to give you a germ rating. ( doorbell ringing ) MIRANDA: Hi. LIZZIE: Hi. GORDO: (to MIRANDA) Scale of one to ten, what's my germ rating? MIRANDA: Seven. GORDO: Better than I expected. MIRANDA: So, are you speaking to me? LIZZIE: Do I have to call you 'Randa? MIRANDA: Only if you have a death wish. That's cool. When did you do that? GORDO: Today. LIZZIE: Me and Gordo did it. MIRANDA: You mean you could've come to the party? LIZZIE: Except I really didn't have anyone to go with. MIRANDA: Okay, I know, I've been a creep. LIZZIE: Shyeah! MIRANDA: Well, if it makes you feel any better I had a stunningly bad time. GORDO: At the risk of sounding petty... go on. MIRANDA: Kate's ankle swelled up from something in the mehndi, and she totally blamed me. So I had to sit with her the whole time in the girls' locker room. LIZZIE: Yeah, well, it can't compare to having to sit next to a guy who makes little play people out of snot. GORDO: Oh, you know what? I think this may be a girl thing. I'll see you guys later. LIZZIE: Thanks, Gordo. MIRANDA: So... is he your new best friend? LIZZIE: You know what? I decided I didn't really like that term. The only time you ever really use it is when you're mad at someone for not acting like a best friend that you never have to say they are when you're not mad. MIRANDA: Okay. But is it okay if you're still mine? LIZZIE: Yeah. * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? * * Why can't we be friends? *