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英语幽默故事

2017-09-02 8页 doc 27KB 70阅读

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英语幽默故事英语幽默故事 1.Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early we...
英语幽默故事
英语幽默故事 1.Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 采购过早 他问。 那天是圣诞节,法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉,” “采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。 “这不算犯法,”法官回答,“你购物多早,” 在商店开门之前,“犯人应道。 2.My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. 第一次与最后一次 乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机,并开始学习驾驶。不久,他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技 飞行了。 乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天,乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想,“我乘大 客机飞行过好几次,还从来没有乘过小飞机,我不妨试一试。” 升空后,乔治飞了有半个小时,在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。 后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说:“乔治,非常 感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。” 乔治非常吃惊地问:“两次飞行,” “是的,我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。 3.First Flight Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?" "Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." 第一次坐飞机 约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机,他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以,有一天一位朋友邀请他乘 自己的小飞机飞行时,约翰逊先生非常担心,不敢接受。不过,由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的, 约翰逊先生终于被说服了,登上了飞机。 他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落,所以他 吓得紧闭双眼。 过了一两分钟,他睁开双眼朝窗外望去,接着对朋友说道:“看下面那些人,他们看起来就象蚂蚁 一样小,是不是,” “那些就是蚂蚁,”他的朋友答道,“我们还在地面上。” 4.I'll See to the Rest A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage. "Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!" "Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back. "You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest." 其余的事由我负责 一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动,这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢 门旁边,跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。 “快点,小姐!”他喊道:“请把门关上。” “噢,我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。 “请把门关上好了,”列车员说:“其余的事由我负责。” 5.Chaude and Cold A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C." "Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city." 热与冷 蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头,结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了,”他抱怨道,“标 着C的龙头流出的是开水。” “可是,先生,C代表Chaude,法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一 点。” “等等,”那位顾客咆哮一声,“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。” “当然,”经理说道:“它代表冷。毕竟,蒙特利尔是个双语城市。” 6.New finding A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!" 新发现 一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼,看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房 间。房间的门随后关上,有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿,门开了,电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛,慢吞吞地说:“我应该把我的老婆带来!” 7.Creative Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job. I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed. 创造性 第一次求职时,我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时,得有点创造性。当问及我是否受 过其它的培训时,我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。 我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。 8.Imitate Birds A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer. "Imitate birds," the man said. "Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen." "Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window. 模仿鸟儿 你能干什么呢,”负责人问。 一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“ “模仿鸟儿,”那人说。 “你在开玩笑吧,”负责人答道,“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。” “噢,那就算了。”那名演员说着,展开翅膀,飞出了窗口。 9.How Did You Ever Get Here One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two." The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?" "I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home." 你是怎样来的, 一个冬天的早晨,一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了,我每向前迈 一步,就要向后退两步。” 老板狐疑地看着他。“噢,是吗,那你是怎样到这里来的,” “后来我决定放弃,”他说,“然后我就往家里走。” 10.One Side of the Case A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand. "I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge. "Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head. "You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time." 一面之辞 一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。 “我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。 “你的右边耳朵听得见吗,”法官问道。那人点了点头。 “你将被允许加入陪审团,”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。” 1.Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 采购过早 那天是圣诞节,法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉,”他问。 “采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。 “这不算犯法,”法官回答,“你购物多早,” 在商店开门之前,“犯人应道。 Wings The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly." 膀 翅 一天,我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮,结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当 我正准备锁门时,一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行,他从柜台上靠过身子来,回答 道:“女士,我到这儿来是吃东西的,不是要飞~”
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