忘记洗苹果就吃了

忘记洗苹果就吃了 A COLLECTION OF HUMORS 1. 蔡晓斌 A Useful Way Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What's that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple. 忘记洗苹果就吃了，希望喝水把它洗干净，太“聪明” A distinguished(著名的) clergyman(牧师) and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill(酒吧烤菜馆) with a questionable reputation(名声不好). After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. I'd rather not, the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.' 牧师不能去下等酒吧烤菜馆吃东西，向神祈祷，就会让他知道自己的错，不是 找死吗, 2. 陈俊康 The Good News and The Bad News The doctor is talking to a woman in a hospital bed. "I have some good news for you and some bad. First the bad news -- we amputated错截了 the wrong leg. Now here is the good news -- we've discovered that your other leg doesn't need to be removed after all." 3. 陈丽诗 Answering Machine 中国家庭并不常用电话答录机(Answering Machine),但在北美家庭，几乎家家都用。外 来电话拨入时，若该电话号码的主人不在，就会让拨入者听到一段留言，这叫Answer。绝 大多数的Answer都是千篇一律的:说明主人不在，请拨入者留下简短信息及姓名电话号码 等。 以下几则特别的 Answer 体现了美国佬的幽默，你能体会出其幽默所在吗, My wife and I can„t come to the phone right now, but if you„ll leave your name and number, we„ll get back to you as soon as we„re finished. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn„t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don„t worry, I have plenty of money. Hi, I„m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead . Wait for the beep. Hi! John„s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I„ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.*(见注) Hello, this is Sally„s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I„m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you„re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Hi. I am probably home. I„m just avoiding someone I don„t like. Leave me a message, and if I don„t call back, it„s you. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I„ll think about returning your call. Hi, this is George. I„m sorry I can„t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we„re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can„t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren„t home and it„s safe to leave us a message. You„re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you„ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can„t pick up the phone right now, because we„re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we„re done brushing our teeth, we„ll get back to you. 注释: beep:主人的Answer讲完以后，Answer Machine会发出一声beep, 这时候来电话者就 可以开始留言了。 magnet:磁铁 *注:通常情况下，来电话者面对录音讲话都不太自然，所以语言往往很急促，三句两 句话就完了。这可苦坏了接听留言的主人，听多少遍都听不清留言者到底是谁，讲了些什么。 对于母语非英文的人，这种感觉会更深。所以，以下这两段幽默干脆就首先告诉电话拨入者， 我的Answer Machine不好使，你且慢慢来。 elope:私奔 tub:浴盆 :慈善团体 charity telepathic:心灵感应术 tone:与昨天对 beep 的注释含义完全一样，主人的Answer讲完以后，Answer Machine 会发出一声beep, 这时候来电话者就可以开始留言了。 burglar:夜贼 eyelids:眼皮 willpower :毅力 feel helplessly compelled to:感到无助而被迫做某事 you have the right to remain silent:电影电视里警察出示逮捕令时常讲的一句话。西方社 会讲究人权，任何疑犯在未审判之前不得认为有罪，因而不能逼供、更不可拷打:他们有权 保持沉默。 4. 陈美婷 Does the dog know the proverb, too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?" 幽默之处:原来狗和人之间要语言沟通才行～～～ 5. 陈淑娴, 樊粤 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" (过一秒钟. ) I know how clever God is. He tells us it is impossible to reap without sowing .If we want to get more ,we must work hard by ourselves. 命里有时终须有，命里无时莫强求 6. 陈欣怡 I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 不想看到怎么就不让座呢 7. 陈子阳 Tom was not a good student Tom?s father was worried when an exam came up to Tom. If Tom couldn't do well, he couldn't go to a good middle school. Father said: 'Tom, if you do well in this exam, I will give you whatever you want.' Tom did a good job as he had worked hard for Father's promise. Then father asked: 'What do you want, Tom?' Tom thought and said: 'I want 3 feathers in different colour.' His father made it though he didn't know why. Father was worried when another exam came. Tom didn't work hard after the last exam, and if he fail this time, he will not be to study in a good college. Father said: 'Tom, if you do well in this exam, I will give you whatever you want.' Tom did a good job as he had worked hard for Father's promise. Then father asked: 'What do you want, Tom?' Tom said again: 'I want 3 feathers in different colour.' His father made it though he didn't know why. One day Tom was suddenly badly ill, he was dying. Father was sad. He said: 'Tom, I will give you whatever you want!' Tom, asked for 3 feathers in different colour again. Father made it and asked why. Tom said: 'I ...' Then Tom died. 很冷„„ 8. 邓敏湘 Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and awoke before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 这个笑话耐人寻味地告诉读者安眠药的药力太强了 9. 邓淑韵 Too Long The travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed(承认), "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long." 10. 陈慧冰, 黄嘉敏 The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?" 千万不要相信所谓吝啬鬼请客，永远不怀好意。 11. 邓雅欣 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!! 结婚后的责任是无止境的，当然也包括费用。 12. 冯咏怡 The Secret of Long Life There was an old man about 85 years old in very robust health. Newspaper and television journalists came on his birthday to interview him about the secret of long life. So he said, "Oh, no problem, I just walk about five miles every day, and then I do some bicycling and swimming whenever I like. But walking is a basic routine in my life; I make it a point to walk five miles a day, every morning." But one of the journalists was very skeptical, said, "My father also walked five miles every day but he died at fifty." So the old man said, "Now then, he didn't do it long enough, that's why." 记者的父亲要运动到八十五岁才能长寿～ 13. 郭智颖 The Policeman and the Thief Once, a new policeman caught a thief in a small town, and decided to bring him back to the police station in the city. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold. “We have no food, and we must be hungry after a while. Let me go into the shop and buy some bread for us. Wait here for me.” the thief said. The policeman agreed with him and waited in the street for a long time, but the thief didn?t come out of the shop. The policeman began to be worried, and ran into the shop, he couldn?t see the thief but the back door of the shop. The policeman had to go back to the police station alone, and he was very unhappy. Luckily, the policeman caught the thief at the same place the next day. When they walked though the same street and the same shop, “Wait here,” said the policeman “ Last time you ran away from the shop. This time, I will go into the shop and buy the bread. You must wait here for me.” 14. 何佩琪 姚瑶 How old am I? A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, "Sir, how old do you think I am?" The man replies, "You're 30, right?" She says "No, I'm 47, but nice try." The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, "How old do you think I am?" The man replies, You're 37, right?" The lady says "No, I'm 47, but good guess." After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies, "Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties." So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, "You're 47!" The lady, astonished, asks, "How did you know?" The old man replies, "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's." 15. 洪晓琳 The Looney Bin-疯人院 Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!” Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 16. 黄志浩 Bush got something wrong with his brain. After medical examination, doctor tells him: Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right. Your left brain has nothing right, Your right brain has nothing left. 蠢人没药可治 17. 李浩斌 A BIG E-mail Mistake An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Yours Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here 18. 李敏怡 Plan Beforehand Harry did not stop his car at the traffic-lights when they were red, and he hit another car. Harry jumped out and went to it. There was an old man in the car. He was very frightened and said to Harry. "What are you doing? You nearly killed me! " "Yes, "Harry answered, "I?m very sorry. "He took a bottle out of his car and said, "Drink some of this. Then you?ll feel better. "He gave the man some whisky, and the man drank it, but then he shouted again, "You nearly killed me!" Harry gave him the bottle again, and the old man drank a lot of the whisky. Then he smiled and said to Harry. "Thank you. I feel much better now, but why aren?t you drinking? " "Oh, well, "Harry answered, "I don?t want any whisky now. I?m going to sit here and wait for the police. " Harry was bad, he hit the man, but if the police came, the old man would had trouble. 19. 李永华 Who Is the Laziest? Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom: I don't know, father. Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father. 评价:绝妙的回答啊。晕，肚痛了 20. 李欣欣 Are You Stupid? One day, a teacher asked his students, “Would anyone who thinks he or she is stupid stand up please?” After a minute of silence, one of the students stood up. “Well, young man. So you really think you?re stupid?” the teacher asked. “No, sir,” the young man said, “I just didn?t want to see you standing there all by yourself.” 捉弄别人,到头来只会是捉弄自己. 21. 梁耀轩 The Goony Bird After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!" 22. 梁耀轩 Adjacent(相邻的) Seats Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who has just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes(排泄) pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?" 23. 刘诗洋 Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge. Judge: Have you ever stolen things? Thief: Oh, now and then. Judge: And where have you stolen these things? Thief: Oh, here and there. Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer. Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail? Judge: Oh, . sooner or later (以“now and then” “here and there” “sooner or later”三个句型相似的句子完成法 官与小偷的问答现了小偷的狡诈和法官的机敏。) 24. 卢振龙 Flying near Athens As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What„s that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That„s what I thought," said the lady, "but this foolish in front of me said it was Greece." 真正笨的人是她自己 25. 鸥绮雯 Beer The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: "Gentlemen, order!" The entire class yelled "Beer!" 啤酒 教授敲打着桌子喊道:"诸位，请安静～" 全班大声喊:"啤酒～" [注]order作"安静"解，也可作"点菜，点饮料"解。 26. 苏海媚 Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly: "First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking: "What should I do next?" 告诫我们做事不能死板,要灵活.笑话中突出猎人的愚蠢. 27. 王祖亮 Wife's picture A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you?ve got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." 主人公的妻子长相不太好，当主人公发现妻子的照片看起来变美了，就代表 主人公开始醉了，该回家了。 28. 吴淑婷 An angel wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. 幽默 The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!" The naughty boy made a teacher cry. 29. 吴泽军 A good chess player A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That„s the smartest dog I„ve ever seen." "Nah, he„s not so smart." the friend replied. "I„ve beaten him three games out of five." 30. 谢日康 One person learnt English hard, and he wished to be successful. One day he walked on a road but hit a foreigner very careless，The person said:I am sorry. The foreigner replied:I am sorry too. He said again after hearing it :I am sorry three. The foreigner can't understand, asked:What are you sorry for? He was powerless and said:I am sorry five. 主人公听见:(((sorry too" 误以为是sorry two,说了:(((three" 听见:(((sorry for" 又以为是:(((sorry four" 便说了:(((five" 看来他还要经过长时间的努力才能 be successful 31. 姚博谦 Ways end Means A man handed a pair of slacks to the department-store clerk. "I'd like these altered, please," he said. The clerk asked for the sales receipt(收据), but after searching his pockets, the man replied he had lost it. The clerk informed him that it was store policy to do free alterations without a receipt. 32. 叶炽军 The Good News At the hospital, there was a man lying in the emergency room .The doctor opened the door and walked toward the man. “Doctor,” the man said , “Will I be O.K.?” The doctor turned to him and said , “Well, there is good and bad news.” “Tell me the bad news,” said the man. “Well ,”said the doctor, “The bad news is that we are going to have to cut both your legs off.” “Oh, my Goodness,” said the man, “What the hell is the good news?” “The good news is,”said the doctor, “See that man over there? He wants to buy your shoes.” 把有人想买病人的鞋当好消息,相比于要截肢实在是微不足道 33. 叶妙珊 He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 34. 袁伟昌 The Doctor Knows Better A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 35. 张恩铭 经典的“中国式”: 1. we two who and who, 咱俩谁跟谁阿 2. how are you ? how old are you? 怎么是你，怎么老是你, 3. you have seed I will give you some color to see, brothers～together up ～ 你有种，我要给你点颜色瞧瞧，兄弟们，一起上～ 4. you me you me 彼此彼此 5. You Give Me Stop!! 你给我站住～ 6. know is know noknow is noknow 知之为知之，不知为不知… 7. WATCH SISTER 表妹 8. American Chinese not enough 美中不足 9. heart flower angry open 心花怒放 36. 周振伟 He is a very smart dog I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That„s the most amazing thing I„ve seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book." 37. 罗子平 "You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.” 点评:很有趣味性，回味无穷。 ET Little Albert came home from school with a new book under his arm. "It's a prize, mother," he explained. "A prize? What for, dear?" "For natural history. Teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich has, and I said three." "But an ostrich has only two legs." "I know it now. But all the pupils said four, so I was the closest." 幽默源于孩子的那份天真.... 39. York?李裕安 A Letter from the black to the white 黑人给白人的一封信 Dear white, something you got to know When I was born, I was black. When I grow up, I am black. When I?m under the sun, I?m black. When I?m cold, I?m black. When I?m afraid, I?m black. When I?m sick, I?m black. When I die, I?m still black. white people, you--- When you were born, you were pink. When you grow up, you become white. You?re red under the sun. You?re blue when you?re cold. You are yellow when you?re afraid. You?re green when you?re sick. You?re gray when you die. And you, call me "color"? 而你，却叫我「有色人种」, 用幽默的形式写出了白人对黑人的歧视