英语幽默故事

140. Whose Son Is the Greatest The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'." "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'. " The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!" Notes: (1) priest n.基督教的教士 ;牧师 (2) monsignor n.阁下(对某些天主教教士的尊称) (3) bishop n.主教(主管一城市或一教区之教务) (4) Your Excellency 阁下(对主教的尊称) (5) cardinal n.(天主教的)红衣主教(有权选举教皇) (6) Your Eminence 对红衣主教的尊称 Exercises: 根据短文判断下列句子正(T)、(F): ? The four mothers were all proud of their own sons. ? The second mother's son was a great lawyer. ? The third mother said that her son was a high official in the ? The fourth mother was ashamed of her son. ? We can see from the passage that the fourth mother was the cleverest. 140.谁的儿子最伟大 四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲 自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，„您好，阁下‟。” 第二为母亲说:“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，„您好，大人‟。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，„您 好，尊敬的主教大人‟。” 第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要 是走入房间，人们都说„哦，我的上帝‟～” A man took a pair of shoes to a shoe repair shop and said to the shoemaker, "I'd like you to repair these shoes for me, please." "Certainly, sir," the shoemaker said. "When will they be ready?" the man asked. "I'm a bit busy, but they'll be ready for you on Thursday." he said. That's fine," the man said, and left the shop. The next morning he received a letter, offering him a job in another country. Within 24 hours he was on an airplane to his new job. Twenty years passed and he returned to his hometown. He remembered his shoes. "They were a good pair of shoes," he thought. "I wonder if the shoemaker is still there and still has them. I'll go and see.扰He was pleased to see that the shoemaker was still in the same shop ,although he was an old man by now. "Good morning," he said to him. "Twenty years ago, I brought in a pair of shoes to be repaired. Do you think you've still got them?" "Name?" the old shoemaker asked. "Smith," the man said. "I'll go and see. They may be out back. The shoemaker went out to the back of his shop -and a few minutes later returned ,carrying the pair of shoes. "Here we are," he said. "One pair of brown shoes to be repaired. I'm a bit busy now, but they'll probably be ready on Thursday." Notes: (1) pleased adj.愉快的;高兴的 (2) bring in 带来 Exercises: 根据短文选择正确: ? Why did the man go to a shoemaker?_____ . A. They were old friends B. He wanted him to make him a new pair of shoes C. He wanted him to repair a pair of shoes D. He had a very old pair of boots to repair ? Why didn't the man return to the shoe repair shop on Thursday? A. He forgot. B. He went overseas. C. He was too busy. D. He knew the shoes would not be ready. ? The man stayed away from his hometown_____ . A. until Thursday B. until the next morning C. for about twenty years D. for a few days ? What did the man do when he returned to his hometown? A. He looked for a new job. B. he bought a new pair of shoes. C. He visited all his friends. D. He returned to the shoemaker to get his shoes. ? The man finally found that_____ . A. his shoes had been repaired B. the shoemaker had lost his shoes C. the shoemaker had already repaired the shoes D. the shoes hadn't been repaired yet 139.快速服务 一个人把一双鞋子拿到一家鞋店，并对修鞋匠说，“请帮我修这双鞋子。” “当然可以，先生，”鞋匠说。 “什么时候能修好,”那个人问。 “我有点忙，但到星期四我会修好鞋子的。”他说。 “很好，”那人说，并离开了那家店。 第二天早上，他收到一封信，提供他一份在国外的工作。24小时内，他登上 飞机去接受那份新工作。 二十年过去了，他回到了故乡。 他记起了那双鞋。 “那是一双好鞋，”他想，“我想知道鞋匠是否还在那儿，是否还有那双鞋。我 要去看看。” 他很高兴看到鞋匠还在那家店里，虽然他已很老了。 “早上好，”他对鞋匠说，“二十年前，我拿了一双鞋子来修。你记得还有那双 鞋吗,” “名字,”老鞋匠问。 “史密斯，”那人回答。 “我去瞧瞧，或许在后面呢。” 鞋匠回到店的后面去，几分钟后又回来了，手里提着那双鞋子，“在这呢，” 他说，“一双棕色的鞋子要修。我有点忙，但可以到星期四把鞋子修好。” Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town. "Let's go to the fair, Matt," his wife said. "We haven't been anywhere for a long time." Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, "All right, but I'm not going to spend much money. We'll look at things, but we won't buy anything. " They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt's wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane. "Fun flights!" the notice said, " $ 10 for 10 minutes. Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn't want to have to pay for his wife, as well. "I've only got $ 10, " he told the pilot. "Can my wife come with me for free?" The pilot wasn't selling many tickets, so he said, "I'll make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can have a free flight." Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife. The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said, "0. K. your wife didn't make a sound. She can have her ride free." "Thank you," Matt said. "It wasn't easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out." Notes: (1) stingy adj.吝啬 (2) hate(doing)讨厌(做) (3) free adj.免费的 (4) make a bargain with sb 达成协议;做成交易 (5) upsidedown 倒转地;倒置地 Exercises: 根据短文选择正确答案: ? Why didn't Matt really want to go to the fair? A. He didn't like fairs. B. His wife didn't want to go. C. He did not want to spend any money. D. It was a long way to walk to the fair. ? What wouldn't Matt let his wife do? A. go to the fair B. buy anything C. go on a fun flight D. took at things at the fair ? What did Matt want to do at the fair? A. buy a few things B. have a ride in an airplane C. take his wife shopping D. buy an airplane ? Why didn't Matt's wife scream or shout in the airplane? A. She had fallen out of it. B. She did not go up in it. C. She enjoyed the flight. D. She wanted a free ride. ? So from the passage we can know that_____ . A. Matt was very generous B. Matt was very kind to his wife C. Matt's wife was very brave D. Matt was very stingy 79.在空中 麦特和妻子住在乡下。麦特很吝啬，讨厌花钱。一天附近的镇子逢集。 “我们去赶集，麦特，”妻子说。“我们很久没出去了。” 麦特想了一会儿。他知道在集市上一定得花钱。最后他说:“好吧，但我不 打算花太多钱。我们只看不买。” 他们去集市，看看所有可买的东西。有很多东西麦特的妻子想买，但麦特不 让她买。 然后在附近的露天场地，他们看到一架小飞机。 “有趣的飞行。”海报上写着，“10分钟10美元。” 麦特从来没有乘过飞机，所以他想乘一次小飞机。然而他不想付他妻子的票 钱。 “我只带了10美元，”他对飞机驾驶员说，“我妻子能免费和我一起乘飞机 吗,”驾驶员没卖出多少票，所以他说:“我和你做个交易。如果你妻子不尖叫， 也不叫出声来，她就能免费飞行。” 麦特同意了，他和妻子一起登上了飞机。 飞机起飞了，驾驶员让飞机做出各种各样的动作。有一会儿飞机倒着飞行。 飞机着陆时，驾驶员说，“好吧，你妻子没发出任何声响。她就不用买飞机 票了。” “谢谢，”麦特说，“你知道，这对她不容易，特别当她刚才掉下去的时候。” Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily. One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store. "Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man. "Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you." Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word. 比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他 喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。 有一天，在上学路 上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着:“苹果--五美分六个。” 比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。 “苹果怎么卖,” “五美分六个。” “但我不想要六个。” “你想要几个,” “这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。” “数学问题,你 说这话是什么意思,” “你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四 个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要 一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。” 比尔 拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊 地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。 哑紫风铃 回答采纳率:7.3% 2009-05-10 14:25 检举『有一个守财奴，他一生吝啬节俭，积攒了100万元。有一天死神突 然降临，要夺去他的生命。守财奴这才意识到自己没有好好享受过人生，他对死 神说:“我把我财富的三分之一给你，你买给我一年或者的时间吧。”死神说:“不 可能。”守财奴以为死神嫌钱少:“那我把50万给你。”死神说:“不行。”守财奴 很着急:“我全给你。”死神依旧说不行。守财奴说:“那请给我一分钟，我要写 份遗嘱。”守财奴在纸上写下一行字:“请记住，你所有的财富买不到一天的时 间。” 』 A miser, his life mean thrift, savings of 1,000,000 yuan. Death came suddenly one day, it is necessary to take away his life. This did not Scrooge realize that they enjoyed a good life, his death, said: "I'm one-third of my wealth to you, you have to buy me a year's time or it." Death said: "impossible." Death thought that a miser too limited: "I give you 500,000." Death, said: "No way." Scrooge is very worried: "I give you the whole." Death still said no. Miser, said: "Give me a minute, I were to write a will." Miser wrote in his words: "Remember, all your wealth to buy less than a day." ' An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour. So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed. Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding! 钉子还是苍蝇, 一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙 上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了， 酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深同情，决定帮他个忙。 于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。 这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看， 苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好 心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧 咬，右手滴血不止。 The Beat Salesman in the World Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: "Wanted. The Best Sales- man in the World. Top Pay." " I' m a great salesman." Harry told himself." I can sell anything. I'll go in and ask for that job." He went into the building and spoke to the manager. "I'm the best salesman in the world," he said. "Give me the job. " "You must prove you're the best," the manager said. "I'll pass every test you give me." Harry told him. "Good." The manager took a box of candy out of his desk . Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job. "That's easy," Harry said. He took the box of candy and left the office. Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy . He couldn't sell one. The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away. At the end of the week he went back to the manager. "I'm sorry, sir, " he said," I was wrong about myself . I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is. "Oh," said the manager. "Who?" "The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy, " Harry said. 世界上最好的售货员 哈里在橱窗上看到一则广告。上面写着:“招聘世界上最好的售货员，报酬优厚。” “我是一名了不起的售货员，”哈里自言自语，“任何东西我都能卖出去，我要进去应聘这份工作。” 他走进大楼去和经理说这件事。 “我是世界上最好的售货员，”他说，“把这件工作给我吧。” “你必须证明你是最好的，”经理说。 “我会通过你给我的每一次考验的。”哈里告诉他。 “好。” 经理从桌子里取出一箱糖果。 “我上星期买了一千箱这种糖果。如果你能在周末之前把这些全卖出去，你就能得到这份工作。” “这很简单。”哈里说。 他拿着这箱糖果离开了办公室。 每天从早到晚，他从这家店走到那家店，竭力想卖出一千箱糖果。 结果他一箱也没卖出去。 糖果质量太差，以至于送人都没人要。 周末他回去见经理。 “很抱歉，先生，”他说，“我搞错了。我不是世界上最好的售货员，但我知道谁是最好的。” “哦，”经理问，“是谁,” “是把这一千箱糖果卖给你的人，”哈里说。 回答者: Ariel_wenqi The Policeman and the Thief Once, a new policeman caught a thief in a small town, and decided to bring him back to the police station in the city. On their way they came to a shop where bread was sold. “ We have no food, and we must be hungry after a while. Let me go into the shop and buy some bread for us. Wait here for me.” The thief said. The policeman agreed with him and waited in the street for a long time , but thief didn‟t come out of the shop. The policeman began to be worried ,and ran into the shop the shop. , he couldn‟t see the thief but the back door of The policeman had to go back to the police station alone, and he was very unhappy. Luckily, the policeman caught the thief at the same place the next day. When.they walked though the same street and the same shop, “ Wait here,” said the policeman “ Last time you ran away from the shop. This time , I‟ll go into the shop and buy the b read , and you must wait here for me.” 警察与小偷 一次， 一个新上任的警察在小镇上抓住了一个小偷，他决定把这小偷押送 到城里警察局去。在路上，他们路过了一家面包店。“我们没带吃的，呆会儿肯 定会饿的，让我去给咱们买点面包。你在这等等我啊。”小偷说道。 警察同意了，并在街上等了很长一段时间，但是，小偷一直没有从商店出来。 警察开始担心了，他跑进商店，除了一扇开着的后门，他什么也没看见。 警察不得不很郁闷的独自回到了警察局。 幸运的是第二天，他在同一地方又抓住了那小偷。当他们路过同一条街，同 一家商店时，“在这等着我，”警察说道，“上次，你从这家商店溜了，这次，我 去买面包，你必须在这等我～” Face Cream Face Cream Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Friends Friends Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped thear minap lastic bag,and took the arm and John to as urgeon. "You are in luck,"said the surge on."I am an expertinre-at taching limbs.Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation." So Sam returned in four hours and the surge on said,"I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." ). Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts(飞镖 A few weeks later,Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.Sam put the leg in aplastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder,"said the surgeon,"but I'll see what I can do-come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said,"If in is he dearly-John's playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter to rpedoes. A few week slater, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in aplastic bagand took it and there stof John to the surgeon,confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job. "Gee,heads are really difficult to re-attach,"the surgeon muttered,"but I'll see what I can do-come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours."How did it go,Doc?"he asked."I'm sorry.John died,"the surgeon replied. He suffocated in the plastic bag,you idiot!!. Flying in Seattle A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He' s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building . He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk. "Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?" "You're in a helicopter," she replies. The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. "That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?" "Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support." Father's Thing When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?" "Yes, Father, it is." answered Tom. "And that shirt's mine too, isn't that one of my ties, Tom?" "Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom. " And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard. "Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. " You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?" Five cents My mother and I were standing at he check-out in the supermarket as the cashier scanned the things we bought. When the price of a bottle of orange juice was scanned as $4,, my mother said "It's only $3.95." The cashier stopped wheat she was doing and disappeared down one of the aisles to check the price. she soon returned and said that the price was $3.95. When she handed my mother the change, a five cent coin rolled onto the floor. Much to my amusement, as the cashier bent over to search for it, my mother said "Oh, don't bother, it's only five cents." Elderly Mother Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." Elderly Couple at Mcdonalds A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth. Eve's Problem One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet footed ruminants. "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." Embarrassing Compulsion A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore." DOGS AND THEIR OWNERS Four men were talking about how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog "T Squared" could do drafting. He told the dog to get some paper; draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did easily. The Accountant , said his dog "Spreadsheet", was smarter. He told his dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide the cookies into piles of three, which the dog did with no problem. The Chemist, said his dog "Beaker", was even smarter. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass, which the dog did with no problem. The three men then turned to the bureaucrat and asked what could his dog do. The bureaucrat called his dog "Coffee Break" and told him to show the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then trotted over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers compensation and left for home on sick leave - with pay! Do You See... One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky. Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. Teacher: Did you see God? Tommy: No. Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time) Little girl: Did you see the sky? Tommy: Yessssss Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher? Tommy: Yes Little Girl: Do you see her brain? Tommy: No Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one? Differences Between You and Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. Dead Cat Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!" said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he crept into the neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door. The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside. "Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "Something weird happened last night." "Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now. "Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!" Drink Problem Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" Duck Joke Three teenaged boys (Jason, Brian, Carl), were walking along one night on the town. They turned down a dark alley and after a few feet the boys heard a loud "squish" and a painful "quack". The boys looked around and finally Carl looked under his feet and saw he had stepped on a duck. Then out from behind a trash can, an old elderly voodoo lady came out and yelled a voodoo chant that they could not understand. The boys looked at each other in confusement and asked the lady what she said. She just said she had placed a cursed on them. The boys then ran off in fright. A week later, Carl and Jason were walking along and turned a corner seeing Brian kissing the most ugly, disgusting girl they had ever seen. The two of them shouted "What are you doing Brian?!?!?!?" He turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". The two didn't say anything and walked off to leave his friend and his newly found love alone. Another week later, Carl and Brian were walking and turned a corner and saw Jason, kissing the most ugly and disgusting girl they had ever seen. The both of them shouted, "Hey, what are you doin Jason?!!?!?!". Jason turned his head and replied, "I stepped on a duck!". Carl then began to catch to what this "curse" was all about. A month went bye and nothing happened. Then one day, Jason and Brian were walking along and turned a corner and saw Carl kissing the most beautiful girl they had ever laid their eyes on. They started shouting, "Yeah Carl! Way to go you stud!". Then the girl turned her head and said, "I stepped on a duck!" Drumming Up Business A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Difference A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants." Notes:Catholic, 天主教徒 Protestant, 新教徒(16世纪脱离罗马天主教的基督教 徒) Catching a Rabbit The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" Change A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. Congratulations! I'd like you to come right over," a man phoned an undertaker, " and supervise the burial of my poor, departed wife." "Your wife!" gasped the undertaker, "Didn't I bury her two years ago?" "You don't understand," said the man, " You see I married again." "Oh," said the undertaker, "Congratulations!" Note: undertaker: 殡仪馆老板 gasp: 喘着气说 Breaking Wind There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts(肠子)out." The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the ) a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her turkey's innards(内脏 husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent(胃涨气的) husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Bar Riddle A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy ME one. OK?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?" "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota." Bill Gates Dies Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being judged by God, who was undecided whether to admit Gates to Heaven or send him to Hell. "Bill," God says, "I don't know if I should reward you for all the good you did for society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, or damn you for creating that dreadful Windows 95. I'm going to try something I've never done, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Gates asks God what are the differences between Heaven and Hell, and God suggests he visit both places, so he can decide for himself. Gates chooses to visit Hell first, and finds it a tropical paradise: sandy beaches, perfect weather, gorgeous women splashing in the clear water. "This is fabulous," Gates says. "If this is Hell, let's check out Heaven!" God takes Gates up to Heaven, and he sees that it's lovely, all puffy clouds and harp music, but not as beautiful as Hell was. Gates asks to go back to Hell, and God grants his wish. A few weeks later, God feels he should check up on Bill Gates and see if he is comfortable. He finds Gates shackled to a wall, screaming as the hot flames burn him, tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asks. Bill responds, his voice raw with anguish and betrayal: "This is NOT what I expected! What happened to the sandy beach, and the beautiful women splashing in the surf?" God replies : "That was the screen saver." Bad Day There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." Be careful for what you wish for A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety. Breaking Wind There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one )out." The years went by and the wife continued to day going to "fart his guts(肠子 suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards(内脏) a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly ) husband would awake. While he walked upstairs hours before her flatulent(胃涨气的 was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Bad Payer A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noted that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long." ? Boss's idea When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first." Actual Quotations From Job Interviews Author: Unknown Genre: Long-Winded Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees: A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement." "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking." "I feel uneasy indoors." "Sometimes I feel like smashing things." "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars." "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington." "I get excited very easily." "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over." "I am fascinated by fire." "I like tall women." "Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex." "People are always watching me." "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back." "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct." "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker." "I never get hungry." "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles." "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival." "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me." "My legs are really hairy." "I think I'm going to throw-up." A Dozen Bibles A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut. An Example of Tragedy Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" An old man and an old lady An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup." A Different Kind of Audience Al Smith was governor of New York State. He was a famouse man. he was born very poor on the East Side of New York City. he had little education. He worked very hard and won great success. One day, as governor, he was visiting the state prison at Sing Sing. Sing Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States. The head of the prison asked Mr. Smith to say something to the prisoners. Mr. Smith had never spoken to this kind of audience before. He did not know how to begin. Finally, he said, "My fellow citizens..." Then he remembered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen. he began again. "My fellow prisoners..." That did not sound right, so he said: "Well, anyway, I'm glad to see so many of you here today." A helping hand A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye." A Place to Sleep By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me." A Girl Just Like Mother No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. "Find a girl just like your mother -- then, she's bound to like her." So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser: "Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even cooked like mother, And just as you said, mother liked her". "So," asked the friend, "what happened?" "Nothing," said the young man. " My father hates her!". Note: be bound to... 肯定…… A Cat Thief In Newcastle, England, recently a cat called Ziggy was found to have stolen things worth more than 1,000 pounds from houses in the neighborhood of its owner. At first, people reported to the police that they had many things stolen and Helen Lucarelli, Ziggy's owner, kept finding new things in her kitchen,. The things were not hers and they included jewelry, underwear, toys, napkins from a restaurant, watches, rubber gloves, soap, and a hat,. Ziggy even got back police tape that had been important in a case. Helen had no idea where these things had come from, so she gave them to local charity shops. When the whole thing was fond out, Helen said to her friends. "It was awfully embarrassing when I found so much strange underwear in my kitchen." A London Fog It was a very foggy day in London. The fog was so thick that it was impossible to see more than a foot or so. buses, cars and taxis were not able to run and were standing by the side of the road. People were trying to find their way about on foot but were losing their way in the fog. Mr. Smith had a very important meeting at the House of Commons and had to get there but no one could take him. He tried to walk there but found he was quite lost. Suddenly he bumped into a stranger. The stranger asked if he could help him. Mr. Smith said he wanted to get to the Houses of Parliament. The stranger told him he would take him there. Mr. Smith thanked him and they started to walk there. The fog was getting thicker every minute but the stranger had no difficulty in finding the way. He went along one street, turned down another, crossed a square and at last after about half an hour's walk they arrived at the Houses of Parliament. Mr. Smith couldn't understand how the stranger found his way. "It is wonderful," he said. "How do you find the way in the fog?" "It is no trouble at all to me," said the stranger: " I am blind." For the Sick A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up(呕吐)!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." Guess the Animal The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?" "I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy. "Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?" "That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy. "Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father." "I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop(傻子;笨蛋)!" German Visit A man decided to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. He assumed that most Germans would speak English. But found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched the mans ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The man simply nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested. When the ticket inspector had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if he spoke German. "No," he confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train." Going Fishing A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area! Have you weighed your son? Father: I sent my son to get five pounds of peanuts from you and you only give him 3 pounds. Are you sure your scale correct? Store owner: My scale is correct. Have you weighed your son? Here, iron this! As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". It's His Fault Billy and Bobby were small boys. They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other. Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good." "Yes, Mummy," the two boys answered, and they went out. They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allen's house." Mrs. Allen was one of their neighbors. "He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?" "I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly moved down.". I'm Glad A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?" "Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I've make someone glad yesterday." "Well done. Who was that?" "My granny." "Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad." "Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!" I Saw Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......." and his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story." At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again. "Mommy, When I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer." Indecent Exposure A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!" In Stitches Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies when one of them takes a pill. The second one says, "What was that?" The first one says, "Vitamin C, to make my baby's bones healthy." The second one takes a pill, and the third one says, "What was that?" The second one says, "Vitamin A, to make my baby's eyes healthy." The third one takes a pill, and the first one says, "What was that?" The third one says, "Thalidomide(镇静剂). I can't get these fucking sleeves straight." Keys to Heaven Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key." Kids say it all Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Lost Purse A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." Little Old Lady A young man was walking through a super market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him. "Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.00. "How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!" The clerk replied, "Your mother said you'd pay for her." More Polite A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was the more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down. Mustard Two men, John and Jim, traveling through the country in America, stopped at a small inn for dinner. On the table there was a large cup of mustard. Thinking the contents were custard or a sweet of some kind, Jim took a spoonful of it and put it in his mouth. Tears ran down his cheeks, but wishing to have his friend John caught in the same trap, he said nothing of the mistake he had made. The other man, seeing that his friend was crying, said: "Listen, Jim, what are crying about?" "I was thinking of my father who was hanged twenty years ago," Jim replied. Soon after, John took a spoonful of the mustard, and as the tears started down his cheeks, Jim in his turn said "What are you crying about?" "To think you were not hanged the same day your father was." came the answer. MEDICAL EMERGENCY Two hunters were out in the woods looking for a deer. One hunter saw one and fired his rifle. The deer scampered off, but the two hunters thought they had hit it because there was a blood trail. They followed the blood trail and came upon a little rabbit, which had been accidentally hit. "What should we do? I can't bear to think that we killed an innocent, little rabbit," one hunter said. The other hunter started looking through his backpack. "What are you looking for?" "I think that I might have something that could help. I'm not sure about it, but I'll give it a shot." The hunter pulled out an aerosol can and sprayed the dying rabbit. Nothing happened, so he sprayed it again. Once more nothing happened. He gave it one last shot and sprayed the rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit jumped up and skipped off, but stopped 50 yards away, turned around and waved. He then hopped another 50 yards, stopped, and waved. "What the heck did you do to that rabbit?" the hunter asked. "I just sprayed it with this, it's a hair restorer with permanent wave." MISCOMMUNICATION A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" Mirror Of Truth There was a Mirror of Truth that if you stood in front of it and told a lie it would suck you into it never to be seen again. A very ugly man stood in front of it at declared.. "Mirror of Truth.. I think I'm the handsomest man alive" and..."Swoooop"! he was sucked in. Then a very Fat man stood in front of the mirror and declared..."Mirror of Truth. I think I'm the skinniest man around..." and "Swooop" he was also sucked in. Then a Blonde woman stood in front of the mirror and declared: "Mirror of Truth...I think...."Swoooop"! My Lawyer A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it." Nursing Home It was time for an elderly gentleman to be put into a nursing home, as his grown children could no longer care for him. After a week, the children went to visit their father at the nursing home. During the visit, the father leaned to the right, and a nurse quickly came over and propped him up with a pillow. A little while later, he leaned to the left, and again a nurse came and propped him up with another pillow. The man's children were amazed at how attentive the home seemed to be, and questioned their father on how he liked it there. He responded, "I've been treated well, but I've got to tell you...they sure don't want you to fart here. No Class A man enters a restaurant, takes a seat, and, instead of using the napkin, takes the table cloth from the table and tucks it around his neck. The head waiter sees it and tells the waiter to go and tell him, in a diplomatic way, that what he did was incorrect. The waiter goes to the man and says, "Good day to you Sir.. Would you like a shave or a haircut?" Our Tails The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long." ? old maid In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened." Puberty One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what's puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it. A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children." "What do you think of that?" my wife asked. "I'm not sure," Peggy relied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear." Pain Transference A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. Quickies "I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!" Spaghetti A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without!" Speech-recognition software At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in(插嘴): "Yes, Return" Unfortunately, the software worked. Statue A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." Scuba Dive After retiring from his very lucrative job in the music business, Kreutzmann decided to learn to scuba (水中呼吸) dive. He spent thousands of dollars for lessons, then spent thousands more for the finest suits, tanks, mask, and other related gear. Buying a boat and sailing to Hawaii, he felt a surge of pride as he went down into the water. Photographing the coral and the fish, and using a waterproof pen and pad to make notes, he was surprised to find a man swimming several dozen feet below him with no equipment at all. Outraged, Kreutzmann flippered over and tapped the man on the shoulder and wrote on his pad, "I spend thousands on scuba diving and here you are in bathing suit. What gives?" The man took the pad and pen and wrote , "You asshole - I'm drowning." Two Men A party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum. they came across one individual in the grounds , with wild eyes, disheveled hair, feverishly endeavoring to catch flies and keep them in his pocket. "His was a sad case," said the attendant. "Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man." "Terrible", said a visitor. Presently the y came to a padded cell, in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast. "That's the other man, " said the attendant.? The Bet During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, y our odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out hi s false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop". The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $ 500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!" The Blue Suit A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue." When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads." The history of public communication system The history of public communication system German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net. Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net. American scientists were outraged by this. They dug 200 meters down & found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. Note: fiber net 光纤网络; cellular telephones 蜂窝式移动电话 The Car Accident A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed(撞击) the bumper(保险杠) of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians(行人) waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit. The note read: "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not.". TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES 10. Gore tries to take credit for inventing the mediator, Jim Lehrer. 9. Applying the same tactic he used to get into Yale, Bush peaks over Gore's shoulder to copy his answers. 8. Still furious over being excluded from the debate, Raplh Nader calls in a bomb threat but is told by security they need at least 6% of the population to call in a threat or they cannot take it seriously. 7. The audience does the wave everytime they hear "Medicare Reform." 6. Overcome by a state of euphoria at a post-debate party, Al Gore downs bong water and gives Lieberman a hicky. 5. At a loss of words, Bush resorts to the "I know you are but what am I?" angle. 4. George's mom, Barbara, shows up with a bar of soap to discourage any further major league comments. 3. After a preliminary make-out session, Al wears Tipper's lipstick and wins the Transvestite vote. 2. Bush subliminally calls Gore a "Smelly Rat" under his breath (Barbara motions for soap). 1. When asked about his financial strategy George W. Bush opts to phone-a-friend. TOP 10 SIGNS OF JOB BURN-OUT 10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell." 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box. 7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago. And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work..... 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now The Pharmacist A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. ) says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks the The pharmacist(药剂师 young man wants. "Well, " he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want condoms because I think tonight's the "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me she'll want me all the time so, you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, the sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying with his head down for a several minutes after everyone start eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!" The Russian Baby Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation... On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." The Man Who Loved Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg andrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. The Watermelon Patch... There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look. It says, "Now there are two" The Farmer A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ingintheirfield." There are four kinds of sex There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce The Grounded Conductor Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." Ugly Baby A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous(丑恶的) child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed(脸红) he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time." What's DC stand for? A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC" On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!" Who is Stupid? A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Women Talk More Than Men A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?" What's in the Pocket? A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." You be Jesus A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" Yes, There is My wife came home yesterday and said,"Honey,the car won't start,but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was,and she told me there was water in the carburetor(化油器). I thought for a moment, then said,"You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No,there's definitely water in the carburetor,"she insisted." OK Honey,that's fine,I'll just go take alook.Where is it?" "In the lake."