英语幽默故事

1、 That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden. While he was sawing, another man passed in the street. He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree. Nasreddin said nothing. He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way. Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it. 'My God!' he cried. 'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live. But the man had gone.  2、You'll soon get used to it? An old man died and left his son a lot of money. But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles. 'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man. 'What will happen to me now?' 'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn. 'Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.' The young man was very glad. 'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin. 'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man. 'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.' 江南大学英语课外学习 8　 　　Nasreddin put two big baskets of grapes on his donkey and went to market. At midday it was very hot, so he stopped in the shade of a big tree. There were several other men there, and all of them had donkeys and baskets of grapes too. After their lunch they went to sleep. After some time, Nasreddin began to take grapes out of the other men's baskets and to put them in his. 　　Suddenly one of the men woke up and saw him. 'What are you doing?' he said angrily. 　　'Oh,' said Nasreddin, don't worry about me. I am half mad, and I do a lot of strange things.' 　　'Oh, really?' said the other man. 'Then why don't you sometimes take grapes out of your baskets and put them in somebody else's baskets?' 　　'You did not understand me,' said Nasreddin. I said，that I was half mad, not quite mad.' 　 　　纳斯瑞丁将两大筐葡萄放在他的毛驴背上，赶着驴向市场去。中午时，天气很炎热，他在一颗大树的树荫下停了下来。那里还有几个人，他们都带着毛驴并驮着一筐筐葡萄。吃完中饭后，这些人就睡觉了。过了一会儿，纳斯瑞丁就开始从别人筐里拿葡萄往自己筐里放。 　　突然，一个人醒来并看见了他在干这件事。“你在干什么？”他愤怒地说。 　　“哦，”纳斯瑞丁说：“不要为我担心，我是个半疯子，而且常常做一些奇怪的事。” 　　“啊，是吗？”另一个人说：“那么你为什么不有时从你的筐中拿葡萄往别人筐里放呢？” 　　“你还没明白我的话，”纳斯瑞丁说：“我说我只是个半疯，并不是全疯。” 9　 　　There was a big garden near Nasreddin's house, and it had a lot of fruit trees in it. One day Nasreddin saw some beautiful apples on one of them. He went home and got a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed up. Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the other side, and climbed down into the garden. Just then a gardener came round a corner and saw him. 　　'What are you doing here?' he shouted. 　　Nasreddin thought quickly and then said, 11 am selling my ladder.' 　　'Selling your ladder? In somebody else's garden? Do you think I believe such a stupid story?' said the gardener and came towards Nasreddin with a stick. 　　'It is my ladder,' said Nasreddin, 'and I can sell it where I like. You needn't buy it if you don't want to.' And he took his ladder and climbed over the wall again. 　 　　　　 　　靠近纳斯瑞丁的家有一座大花园，花园中有很多果树。一天，纳斯瑞丁看见一颗果树上有些苹果长得很好。他就回家去拿了一个梯子，把梯子靠在花园的高墙上后就爬了上去。然后拿起梯子，把它放在墙那边，下了梯子就进了花园。正好这时，花园的园丁从墙角转过来看见了他。 　　“你在这里干些什么？”花园的园丁叫喊道。 　　纳斯瑞丁很快想了想，然后说道：“我正在卖我的梯子呢。” 　　“卖你的梯子？在别人的花园里卖梯子？你认为我会相信这种蠢话吗？”说着，花园的园丁拿着根棍子向纳斯瑞丁走来。 　　“这是我的梯子，”纳斯瑞丁说：“我想在哪里卖就在哪里卖。如果你不想要就不买好了。”接着，他拿着梯子又爬过了围墙。 10　 　　Nasreddin woke up in the middle of the night and saw something white in his garden. It seemed to be moving towards the house. 　　'That is a thief!, he thought, and he took his gun and shot at him. Then he went back to bed, because he was too frightened to go out of the house in the dark. 　　The next morning Nasreddin went out and saw one of his white shirts hanging' on the clothes-line in the garden. His wife had washed it the day before and hung it out to dry. Now it had a bullet-hole right through the middle of it. 　　'My God,' said Nasreddin, 11 was lucky last night. If I had been wearing that shirt, the bullet would have killed me!' And he called his neighbours together and asked them to thank God for saving him. 　 　　纳斯瑞丁半夜醒来，看见一个白色的东西在他花园里。看起来好像在向屋子这边移动着。 　　“是贼！”纳斯瑞丁想，接着他拿出枪向贼射击。然后，他又上床睡觉了，因为他害怕，所以不敢在黑暗中走出屋子。 　　第二天早晨，纳斯瑞丁出来看见他的一件白衬衣挂在花园里的晒衣绳上。是他的妻子前一天将衬衣洗好后挂在外面晾干的。现在在它中间有一个子弹孔正好穿过。 　　“我的天，”纳斯瑞丁说：“昨夜我真是走运，要是我穿上这件衬衣，子弹就把我打死了！”接着他就把邻居们召集在一起， 并要他们一块儿感谢上帝救了他的命。 12 　　When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do. 　　One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, 'That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!' 　　His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water. Of course, the flour was lost. 　　'What have you done, Nasreddin?' his father shouted angrily. 　　'Well, Father', said Nasreddin, ,this time I thought that I would do just what you told me, to show you how stupid your orders always are.' 　 　　当纳斯瑞丁还是个孩子的时候，他从不照着别人说的去做，所以他爸爸想让他做什么时，总是反着说。 　　一天，他们俩用毛驴驮着几袋面粉回家时，他们路过必经的一条浅水河。当他们走到河中间时，纳斯瑞丁赶的驴子驮的一个口袋开始滑动，所以他爸爸说：“那个口袋快要滑到水里了！使劲将它向下压！” 　　纳斯瑞丁的爸爸当然预料他会反着做，但是这一次纳斯瑞丁却照着他爸爸说的做了。他向下压口袋，口袋掉到了水里。当然，面粉也就完了。 　　“你干了些什么，纳斯瑞丁？”他爸爸生气地叫了起来。 　　“哦，爸爸，”纳斯瑞丁说：“这一次我想我偏要照你说的做，让你看看你的指挥一向是多么愚蠢。” 13 　　Nasreddin had lost his donkey. He was going about looking for it everywhere, and while he was looking, he was singing gaily. 　　One of his neighbours saw him and said, 'Hullo, Nasreddin. What are you doing?' 　　'I am looking for my donkey,' answered Nasreddin. 　　'Don't you know where it is?' asked the neighbour. 　　'No, I don't.' 　　'Then why are you singing so gaily? Usually when somebody loses something, he is sad.' 　　'Yes, that is quite true,' answered Nasreddin. 'But you see, I am not yet sure that my donkey is lost. My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there. If you wait a little, you will hear how I will cry and complain if it is not there!' 　　纳斯瑞丁的毛驴丢了。他四处寻找，并且一边找一边高兴地唱着歌。 　　一个邻居看见他这副样子，就问：“喂，纳斯瑞丁，你在干嘛？” 　　“我正在找我的毛驴呢，”纳斯瑞丁回答。 　　“你不知道驴子在哪儿吗？”邻居问道。 　　“我不知道。” 　　“那么，你为什么还这么高兴地唱着歌呢？通常人们丢失了东西时总是很悲伤的。” 　　“是的，你说的很对，”纳斯瑞丁回答说：“但是你要知道，我并没有认为我的驴子确实已经丢了。我的最后一个希望是驴就在那边的那座山后面。如果驴不在那里的话，等一会儿，你就会听到我是怎样的哭喊和抱怨了。” 14 　　One winter Nasreddin had very little money. His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very cheaply. He gave his donkey less food, and when after two days the donkey looked just the same, he said to himself, 'The donkey was used to eating a lot. Now he is quickly getting used to eating less; and soon he will got used to living on almost nothing.' 　　Each day Nasreddin gave. the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything. 　　Then one day, when the donkey was going to market with a load of wood on its back, it suddenly died. 'How unlucky I am,' said Nasreddin. 'Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to the end of its days in this world.' 　 1. What was the matter with Nasreddin one winter? 　　　　2. Why had this happened? 　　　　3. What did he have to do? 　　　　4. What did he do to his donkey? 　　　　5. What happened after two days? 　　　　6. What did Nasreddin then say to himself? 　　　　7. What did he do each day after that? 　　　　8. What was the donkey doing in the end? 　　　　9. What happened to the donkey? 　　　　10. When did it happen? 　　　　11. What did Nasreddin say?　　 　　一年冬天，纳斯瑞丁身上只有很少一点钱了。这年他的庄稼长得很不好，他只得十分节省地过日子。他给驴子喂的食料比过去少了。两天以后，驴子看起来和往日一样，纳斯瑞丁就自言自语地说：“这头驴过去习惯于吃得很多，现在它很快就适应吃得比过去少了；很快它就会适应几乎什么都不吃了。” 　　以后，纳斯瑞丁每天一点一点地减少喂驴的食料，直到这驴几乎什么都不吃。 　　后来有一天，当这驴子驮着一驮木头赶集去的时候，它突然死了。“我真是太倒霉了，”纳斯瑞丁说：“就在我的驴子刚刚适应几乎什么都不用吃时，它在这世上却又活到头了。 15 　　Nasreddin's wife was very ill, and at last she died. After a few months, Nasreddin married again. His new wife was a widow. 　　Exactly seven days after he married her, she had a baby. 　　Nasreddin at once hurried away to the market and bought some paper, some pencils, some pens and some children's books. Then he hurried back home again with these things and put them beside the baby. His now wife was surprised. 'What are you doing?' she said. 'The baby won't be able to use. those things for a long time Why are you in such a hurry?' 　　Nasreddin answered, 'You are quite wrong, my dear. Our baby is not an ordinary baby. It came in seven days instead of nine months, so it will certainly be ready to learn to read and write in a few weeks from now.' 　 1. What happened to Nasreddin's first wife? 　　　　2. What did Nasreddin do? 　　　　3. When did he do this? 　　　　4. What was his new wife? 　　　　5. What happened to his new wife then? 　　　　6. When did it happen? 　　　　7. What did Nasreddin do at once? 　　　　8. What did he buy? 　　　　9. What did he do with these things? 　　　　10. How did his wife feel? 　　　　11. What did she say to Nasreddin? 　　　　12. What did he answer?　　 　　纳斯瑞丁的妻子得了重病，最后死去了。几个月以后，纳斯瑞丁又结了婚。他的新妻子原先是一个寡妇。 　　正好在他们结婚七天以后，她生下一个孩子。 　　纳斯瑞丁马上赶到市场买了一些纸、铅笔、钢笔和一些儿童图。然后，他带着这些东西匆匆地回家，并把这些东西放在婴儿的旁边。他的新婚妻子很吃惊。“你这是在干嘛？”她说：“这孩子用这些东西还早着呢，你忙什么？” 　　纳斯瑞丁回答说：“你说的可太不对了，亲爱的。我们的孩子是个不同寻常的孩子。他用七天而不是九个月来到世上，所以从现在起几星期以后，他一定会愿意学习识字和写字了。” 16 　　Some of Nasreddin's old friends were talking about the young people in their town. They all agreed that old people were wiser than young people. Then one of the old men said, 'But young men are stronger than old men.' 　　All of them agreed that this was true, except Nasreddin. He said, 'No. I am as strong now as when I was a young man.' 　　'What do you mean?' said his friends. 'How is that possible? Explain yourself!' 　　'Well,' said Nasreddin, 'in one corner of my field there is a rock. When I was a young man I used to try to move it, but I couldn't because I was not strong enough. I am an old man now, and when I try to move it, I still cannot.' 　 1. Who were talking at the beginning of this story? 　　　　2. What were they talking about? 　　　　3. What did they all agree? 　　　　4. What did one of the old men say then? 　　　　5. What did the others do? 　　　　6. Who did not agree? 　　　　7. What did he say? 　　　　8. What did his friends say then? 　　　　9. What did Nasreddin answer? 　　　　10. Why did he think that he was as strong as when he was a young man? 　　　　11. What mistake was he making when he thought this?　　 　　纳斯瑞丁和一些老朋友正在谈论着他们镇上的年青人。他们一致认为老年人比年青人更有智慧。后来有位老人说：“不过年青人要比老年人力气大。” 　　他们都承认这是事实，但纳斯瑞丁除外。他说：“不，我现在的力气和我年青时一样大。” 　　“这话是什么意思呢？”他的朋友们说：“这可能吗？你解释一下！” 　　“哦，”纳斯瑞丁说：“我田里的一个角落里有一块石头。我年青时常常使劲把它挪走，但是我挪不动它，因为我只有那点力气。现在我老了，当我使劲把它挪走时，我还是挪不动它。” 25 　　When Nasreddin's first wife died, he married again. His second wife was much younger than he was and they often quarrelled. One evening when Nasreddin came home very late, his wife said to him, 'I cooked your dinner two hours ago. It is quite spoiled now.' She was so angry that she gave him a push, and as she was strong, and he was old and weak, he fell down the stairs. 　　One of Nasreddin's neighbours, who was always eager to know what was happening in everybody else's house, was listening, and when she heard the noise that Nasreddin made when he fell down the stairs, she came to his front door and knocked. 　　'What has happened?' she said. 　　'My coat fell down the stairs,' he answered. 　　'But a coat would not make so much noise!' the neighbour said. 　　'Of course it would,' answered Nasreddin, 'if I was inside it!' 　 1. What happened when Nasreddin's first wife died? 　　　　2. What was his second wife like? 　　　　3. What did he and his second wife often do? 　　　　4. What did Nasreddin do one night? 　　　　5. What did his wife say? 　　　　6. How did she feel? 　　　　7. What did she do? 　　　　8. What happened then? 　　　　9. Why was she able to push him over? 　　　　10. Who was listening? 　　　　11. Why was she listening? 　　　　12. What did she do? 　　　　13. When did she do this? 　　　　14. What did she say? 　　　　15. What did Nasreddin answer? 　　　　16. What did the woman say then? 　　　　17. What was Nasreddin's answer?　　 　　纳斯瑞丁的第一个妻子死后，他又娶了一个。他的第二个妻子比他年轻得多，他们常常争吵。一天傍晚，纳斯瑞丁回家很迟，他妻子就对他说：“两小时前我就给你做好了晚餐，现在都放坏了。”她很生气，所以推了纳斯瑞丁一下。她很强壮，而纳斯瑞丁却又老又弱，所以他就从楼梯上摔了下来。 　　纳斯瑞丁有一位邻居，她总是热衷于打听别人家里发生的事，这时她正听着。当她听到纳斯瑞丁从楼梯摔下的声音后，她就来纳斯瑞丁的前门敲门。 　　“出了什么事了？”她说。 　　“我的衣服从楼梯上掉下去了。”他回答。 　　“一件衣服会发出这么大的声音吗！”这位邻居说。 　　“当然会，”纳斯瑞丁回答说：“如果我在衣服里面的话！” 26 　　One of Nasreddin's rich neighbours gave a big party one evening, but he forgot to invite him. Nasreddin waited and waited, but no invitation came, so at last, when the party had already begun, he took a piece of paper, folded it, put it in an envelope and took it to his neighbour's house. 　　'I have a very important letter for the host,' he said to the servants at the door. The servants took him into the big room where everybody was eating, Nasreddin gave the letter to his rich neighbour and at once sat down and began to fill his mouth with food. 　　The host looked at the envelope, but there was nothing on it, so he said, 'Are you sure that this letter is for me? There is no address on it.' 　　'Oh, yes,' said Nasreddin, 'and there is no writing inside it either because it was prepared in a hurry.' 　 1. What happened one evening? 　　　　2. What did the man forget to do? 　　　　3. What did Nasreddin do at first? 　　　　4. What did he do then? 　　　　5. What did he say? 　　　　6. Whom did he say this to? 　　　　7. What did the servants do? 　　　　8. What was everybody doing? 　　　　9. What did Nasreddin do? 　　　　10. What did he do then? 　　　　11. What did the host do? 　　　　12. What was there on the envelope? 　　　　13. What did the host say to Nasreddin? 　　　　14. What did Nasreddin answer?　　 　　一天傍晚，纳斯瑞丁的一位富有的邻居举行了一个盛大的晚会，但他忘记邀请纳斯瑞丁了。纳斯瑞丁等了又等，但仍然没有人来请他，最后，当宴会早已开始后，他拿出一张纸，叠好后装在信封里，带着它到邻居家里去了。 　　“我有一封很重要的信要给主人，”他对门口的侍者们说。侍者们领他到大厅里，大家正吃着，纳斯瑞丁将信交给他这位富有的邻居，然后马上坐下，将食品塞满嘴里。 　　主人看着信封，可是上面一个字也没有，于是他问：“你肯定这封信是给我的吗？上面连地址都没有。” 　　“噢，是的，”纳斯瑞丁说：“并且信里也什么都没有写，因为信是在匆忙中准备的。” 49 　　A rich man and his wife went into a shop to buy a bracelet. Neither of them was very young. They looked at a lot of beautiful bracelets, and after half an hour there were two which they liked very much, but they had not yet been able to choose between them. One of them was very expensive, and the other was quite a lot cheaper. 　　Of course, the shopkeeper wanted to sell them the more expensive one, because then he would get more money from them, so he said to the lady, 'Oh, go on. Spend his money. If you don't, he will only spend it on his second wife.' 　　For several seconds nobody said a word, and then lady said angrily, 'I am his second wife!' 　 1. Who went into the shop in this story? 　　　　2. Why did they go in there? 　　　　3. What happened after half an hour? 　　　　4. What were the two bracelets like? 　　　　5. What did the shopkeeper want? 　　　　6. How old were they? 　　　　7. What did they do in the shop? 　　　　8. Why did he want this? 　　　　9. What did he say to the lady? 　　　　10. Did she answer at once? 　　　　11. What did she say? 　　　　12. How did she feel?　　 　　一位富翁和他的太太到商店里去买手镯。他们俩都不年轻了。他们看了很多漂亮的手镯，隔了半小时，他们选中了两只最喜欢的，但他们却难以在二者之间再作出选择。二者之中有一只很昂贵，另一只却便宜得多。 　　店主当然想把贵的一只卖给他们，因为这样他就可以赚他们更多的钱，于是他就对那位太太说：“好吧，买这只吧，花掉他的钱。如果你不花，他就会把钱都花在他的第二位太太身上。” 　　好几分钟过去了，谁都没有开口，终于那位太太愤怒地开口说：“我就是他的第二位太太！” 54 　　Mrs. Evans went to a large local cinema one summer afternoon. Half-way through the wonderful film there was the usual interval, so that people could buy sweets, chocolates and ice-cream. 　　Mrs. Evans rarely bought anything in the cinema, but this time she was feeling hot, so she thought, 'I'll have an ice-cream to cool me. I certainly need it.' Quite a lot of the audience were waiting to buy ice-creams from the girl who was selling them, so Mrs. Evans waited for her turn. 　　There was a small boy in front of her. When it was his turn, he offered the girl ten pence and asked for an ice-cream, but they cost twenty pence, so the girl said, 'I want another ten pence, please.' 　　The small boy put the coin back in his pocket, put his hand in another pocket, took out another ten pence coin and offered that to the girl. 　　Mrs. Evans was so amused that she paid the other ten pence herself. 　　A. Answer these questions. 　　1. Why did Mrs. Evans decide to have an ice-cream ii the cinema? 　　2. Why did :she have to wait before she could buy it? 　　3. Why did the girl ask the small bay for more money? 　　4. What did the boy do then? 　　5. Why did Mrs. Evans help him? 　　B. Which words in the story mean: 　　1. big 　　2. make less hot 　　3. not at all frequently 　　4. people in a theatre or cinema 　　5. should be able to 　　C. Write this story. Put one word in each empty space. You will find all the correct words in the story. 　　A man was boasting to a stranger about the beer in his town. 　　'Why is it so ... ?' the stranger asked. 'Is it stronger than the ... beer?' 　　'It ... is!' said the ... man. 'I've ... found a stronger one. A friend of mine was at a cinema, and ... through the film, during the ..., he went to the bar and had a few glasses of it to ... himself, because he felt hot. Then he went into the cinema again.' 　　'Well, and what's so wonderful about that?, asked the stranger, putting a ... down as a tip for the barman. 　　'When he went in again, he found that there was a different film and a different ..., and when he asked one of them, he discovered that it was the next night!' 　　 　　一个夏天的下午，埃文斯太太到当地的一所大电影院去看电影。精采的电影放到一半时，通常总有一个中间休息，使大家在这时能买些糖果、巧克力和冰淇淋。 　　埃文斯太太在电影院里很少买东西吃，但这次她感到很热，所以她想：“我得吃块冰淇淋凉快凉快，我确实需要吃冰淇淋。”很多观众都等着从一个卖冰淇淋的姑娘那里购买，所以埃文斯太太排队等着。 　　有一个小男孩排在她的前面。当轮到这个男孩买时，他给姑娘10个便士要买一块冰淇淋，但冰淇淋要20个便士，所以这姑娘就说“请给我另外的10个便士。” 　　这个小男孩把那个硬币放回口袋，把手伸入另外一个口袋，拿出另一个10便士的硬币，交给了那个姑娘。 　　埃文斯太太被逗乐了，结果她付了那另外的10个便士。 57 　　Timothy was ten years old. He was not a very good pupil, and he did not like having to do homework, because he preferred to do other things in his free time. Frequently he did not do his homework, and when he did do it, he always made a lot of mistakes. 　　Then one day, his mathematics teacher looked at Timothy's homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. He was very pleasedand rather surprised. He called Timothy to his desk and said to him, 'You got all your home- work right this time, Timothy. What happened? Did your father help you?' 　　Usually Timothy's father did help him with his home- work, but the evening before this, he had not been able to, because he had not been at home, so Timothy answered, 'No, sir. He was busy last night, so I had to do it all myself.' 　　A. Answer these questions, 　　1. What kind of homework did Timothy's teachers expect to see from him? 　　2. Why was one of his teachers surprised one day? 　　3. What did he think had happened? 　　4. Did Timothy usually do his homework alone? 　　5. When Timothy's father helped him with his homework, did he get all of it right? 　　B. Opposites. Write these sentences. Put one word In each empty space. 　　1. Timothy isn't free this evening: he is .... He is doing his homework. 　　2. Timothy didn't get his sums right frequently. He got them right very .... 　　3. Timothy was an honest boy. He was never .... 　　4. Timothy's teacher didn't think it was possible that he had done his homework without 　　　help. He thought it was .... 　　5. Timothy wasn't ashamed of his homework that day: he was ... of it.　　 　　蒂莫西10岁了。他不是个很好的学生，而且不喜欢做该做的家庭作业，因为他在课外时间里更喜欢去干些不相干的事。他经常不完成家庭作业，而且，就算他做了，也总是错误百出。 　　后来有一天，蒂莫西的数学老师批阅他的家庭作业时，发现他的全都算对了。老师十分高兴，而且颇为吃惊。他把蒂莫西叫到他的桌子旁并对他说：“这次你的家庭作业全做对了，蒂莫西。怎么回事？是你爸爸帮你做的吗？” 　　以往蒂莫西的爸爸的确是常常帮他做家庭作业，但那天的前一个晚上，他爸爸因为不在家