职场社交课堂：惹别人生气了怎么办？

职场社交课堂：惹别人生气了怎么办？ 职场社交课堂:惹别人生气了怎么办, 爱思编者按:事实表明,争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或 你做了什么,毕竟别人体会不到你的想法或行为,别人体会到的是你 的行为所带来的后果。 Iwasrunninglate.MywifeEleanorandIhadagreedtomeetattherestaurantatseveno'clockanditwasalreadyhalfpast.IhadagoodexcuseintheformofaclientmeetingthatranoverandIwastednotimegettingtothedinnerasfastaspossible. 迟到了。我跟老婆埃莉诺约好7点在饭店见面来着,现在已经7点半 了。我的理由还算充分,因为跟某个客户有约,所以只能先忙完再马 不停蹄赶来一起吃晚饭。 WhenIarrivedattherestaurant,IapologizedandtoldherIdidn'tmeantobelate. 赶到饭店后,我急忙跟老婆道歉,我不是故意要迟到的。 Sheanswered:Younevermeantobelate.Uhoh,shewasmad. 她回道,你什么时候故意迟到过,呃,看来老婆生气了。 Sorry,Iretorted,butitwasunavoidable.Itoldherabouttheclientmeeting.Notonlydidmyexplanationsnotsootheher,theyseemedtomakethingsworse.Thatstartedtomakemeangry. 对不起,我说,但事情真的推不开。接下来就是我要跟客户见面如何 如何可是,我越解释越是火上浇油,最后连我自己也气得不行。 Thatdinnerdidn'tturnouttobeourbest. 自然,那顿晚饭也吃得不开心。 Severalweekslater,whenIwasdescribingthesituationtoafriendofmine,KenHardy,aprofessoroffamilytherapy,hesmiled. 几个星期后,我把这件事告诉了朋友肯-哈迪。肯是家庭治疗方面的专 家。听完我的诉说,他笑了。 Youmadeaclassicmistake,hetoldme. 你可真是犯了一个典型的错误。他说。 Me?Imadethemistake?Iwasonlyhalfjoking. 啥,是我做错了吗,我半开玩笑问道。 Yes.Andyoujustmadeitagain,hesaid.You'restuckinyourperspective:Youdidn'tmeantobelate.Butthat'snotthepoint.Thepointisthatyouwerelate.Thepointandwhat'simportantinyourcommunicationishowyourlatenessimpactedEleanor. 当然是你错了,刚才就是。他说。你一直从自己的立场强调我不是故 意迟到的,但这不是问的关键,关键是你确实迟到了,而且你的迟 到确实影响到了埃莉诺。 Inotherwords,IwasfocusedonmyintentionwhileEleanorwasfocusedontheconsequences.Wewerehavingtwodifferentconversations.Intheend,webothfeltunacknowledged,misunderstood,andangry. 这样说来,我只一味强调我的本意,而埃莉诺看重的却是结果。所以, 我俩讲的话根本就风马牛不相及,最后自然都会因为分歧和误解而生 气了。 ThemoreIthoughtaboutwhatKensaid,themoreIrecognizedthatthisbattleintentionvs.consequenceswastherootcauseofsomuchinterpersonaldiscord. 肯的话,我越想越觉得这种本意VS结果的争论正是很多人际关系不 和的根本原因。 Asitturnsout,it'snotthethoughtthatcountsoreventheactionthatcounts.That'sbecausetheotherpersondoesn'texperienceyourthoughtoryouraction.Theyexperiencetheconsequencesofyouraction. 事实表明,争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么,毕竟别人体会 不到你的想法或行为,别人体会到的是你的行为所带来的后果。 Here'sanotherexample:Yousendanemailtoacolleaguetellinghimyouthinkhecouldhavespokenupmoreinameeting. 举例来说,你给同事发了封邮件,说你觉得他本可以在会议上多做点 发言。 Herepliestotheemail,Maybeifyouspokeless,Iwouldhavehadanopportunitytosaysomething! 他回复邮件说,或许,要是你能少说一点,我就有机会插上两句了吧， Thatobviouslyranklesyou.Still,yousendoffanotheremailtryingtoclarifythefirstemail:Ididn'tmeantooffendyou,Iwastryingtohelp.Andthenmaybeyouaddsomedismayattheaggressivenessofhisresponse. 这种话显然激怒了你,但你又发了一封邮件进行解释,我不是要找你 茬,只想提点意见罢了。又或许,因为同事的回复太过分,你在邮件 里也添油加醋了一番。 Butthatdoesn'tmakethingsbetter.Hequotesthelanguageofyourfirstemailbacktoyou.Don'tyouseehowitreads?Heasks.BUTTHAT'SNOTWHATIMEANT!Youwriteback,INCAPS. 可这么一来,事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封邮件的原话拷贝给你,反 问道,那你这是写的什么,你特地用大写字母回邮以示强调,我不是 那个意思， Sohowdoyougetoutofthisdownwardspiral? 如此恶性循环怎么办呢, It'sstunninglysimple,actually.Whenyou'vedonesomethingthatupsetssomeonenomatterwho'srightalwaysstarttheconversationbyacknowledginghowyouractionsimpactedtheotherperson.Savethediscussionaboutyourintentionsforlater.Muchlater.Maybenever.Because,intheend,yourintentionsdon'tmattermuch. 其实,办法超级简单。当你惹别人生气了,甭管谁对谁错,先主动开 口为自己的言行向对方道歉。至于你本意如何,以后再说,或者永远 都别罗里吧嗦地解释,因为最后你的本意并不那么重要。 Whatifyoudon'tthinktheotherpersonisrightorjustifiedinfeelingthewaytheydo?Itdoesn'tmatter.Becauseyou'renotstrivingforagreement.You'regoingforunderstanding. 要是你觉得完全是对方做错了或有失偏颇呢,那也没什么大不了的。 又不是非得意见完全一致,只要能相互理解就行了。 WhatshouldIhavesaidtoEleanor? 那我该怎么跟埃莉诺解释, Iseeyou'reangry.You'vebeensittingherefor30minutesandthat'sgottobefrustrating.Andit'snotthefirsttime.Also,IcanseehowitseemslikeIthinkbeingwithaclientgivesmepermissiontobelate.I'msorryyouhadtositherewaitingforsolong. 生气啦,等了半个钟头,很不开心吧,唉,我老让你这样等我,老是 因为客户而耽误你,让你等我这么长时间,真心对不起啊。 Allofthatistrue.Yourjobistoacknowledgetheirrealitywhichiscriticaltomaintainingtherelationship.AsKendescribedittome:Ifsomeone'sreality,astheyseeit,isnegated,whatmotivationdotheyhavetostayintherelationship? 这么说也都句句属实,还能保证俩人关系和好如初。就像肯告诫我的 那样,如果人们觉得自己被忽视了,那还有什么理由相信这段关系呢, IntheemailbackandforthIdescribedearlier,insteadofclarifyingwhatyoumeant,considerwritingsomethinglike:Icouldseehowmycriticizingyourperformanceespeciallyviaemailfeelsobnoxioustoyou.Howitsoundscriticalandmaybedismissiveofyoureffortsinthemeeting. 再看我前面提到的邮件拉锯战。与其不断强调你的本意,不如试着这 样写,我在邮件上指正你的表现显然让你感到不爽了。这些话带有批 评意味,可能还抹煞了你在会议上的付出。 IsaidthiswassimplebutIdidn'tsayitwaseasy. 我说这很简单,但并不表示这做起来很容易。 Thehardestpartisouremotionalresistance.We'resofocusedonourownchallengesthatit'softenhardtoacknowledgethechallengesofothers.Especiallyifwearetheirchallengeandtheyareours.Especiallywhentheylashoutatusinanger.Especiallywhenwefeelmisunderstood.Inthatmoment,whenweempathizewiththemandtheircriticismofourbehavior,italmostfeelslikewe'rebetrayingourselves. 最难的就是我们会从情绪上产生抵触。我们总是专注于自己的挑战, 常常忽略他人的困境特别是当他人的困境就是由我们造成、我们又因 此被激怒时,更难以承认。这时,如果我们认同对方的立场以及对方 对我们的苛责,那就等于扇自己耳光了。 Butwe'renot.We'rejustempathizing. 所以我们不会认同对方,而只会一味强调。 Here'satricktomakeiteasier.Whilethey'regettingangryatyou,imagine,instead,thatthey'reangryatsomeoneelse.Thenreactasyouwouldinthatsituation.Probablyyou'dlistenandletthemknowyouseehowangrytheyare. 下面这个可以让事情变简单一点。当对方向你发火时,试着想象 他是在向其他人发火,然后你设身处地体会一下,或许你会倾听并发 现双方真的很生气啊。 Andifyounevergettoexplainyourintentions?WhatIhavefoundinpractic eandthissurprisedmeisthatonceI'veexpressedmyunderstandingoftheconsequences,myneedtojustifymyintentionsdissipates. 要是一直没机会解释你的本意呢,事实上,我意外地发现,一旦我理 解了结果造成的麻烦,也就不再想去解释我本意如何如何了。 That'sbecausethereasonI'mexplainingmyintentionsinthefirstplaceistorepairtherelationship.ButI'vealreadyaccomplishedthatbyempathizingwiththeirexperience.Atthatpoint,we'rebothusuallyreadytomoveon. 原因在于,我一开始急于解释本意不外是为了弥补俩人关系,但通过 站在对方立场考虑,我不已经达到这个目的了嘛,如此一来,俩人也 都尽释前嫌了。 Andifyoudostillfeeltheneed?You'llstillhavetheopportunity,oncetheotherpersonfeelsseen,heard,andunderstood. 要是你还想作出解释呢,那么,机会也还是有的只要对方看上去已经 明白并理解你的处境。 Ifwesucceedindoingallthiswell,we'lloftenfindthat,alongwithourrelationships,somethingelsegetsbetter:ourbehavior. 如果我们能做好这一点,不仅人际关系会变好,我们的言行也会渐渐 改变呢。 AfterthatlastconversationwithEleanorafterreallyunderstandingtheconsequencesofmylatenessonhersomehow,someway,I'vemanagedtobeontimealotmorefrequently. 自从上次跟埃莉诺争执后,我切身体会到了自己的迟到给她带来的麻 烦,正因如此,不知不觉间,我竟变得越来越准时了， 爱思英语编者按:事实表明,争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或 你做了什么,毕竟别人体会不到你的想法或行为,别人体会到的是你 的行为所带来的后果。 Iwasrunninglate.MywifeEleanorandIhadagreedtomeetattherestaurantatseveno'clockanditwasalreadyhalfpast.IhadagoodexcuseintheformofaclientmeetingthatranoverandIwastednotimegettingtothedinnerasfastaspossible. 迟到了。我跟老婆埃莉诺约好7点在饭店见面来着,现在已经7点半 了。我的理由还算充分,因为跟某个客户有约,所以只能先忙完再马 不停蹄赶来一起吃晚饭。 WhenIarrivedattherestaurant,IapologizedandtoldherIdidn'tmeantobelate. 赶到饭店后,我急忙跟老婆道歉,我不是故意要迟到的。 Sheanswered:Younevermeantobelate.Uhoh,shewasmad. 她回道,你什么时候故意迟到过,呃,看来老婆生气了。 Sorry,Iretorted,butitwasunavoidable.Itoldherabouttheclientmeeting.Notonlydidmyexplanationsnotsootheher,theyseemedtomakethingsworse.Thatstartedtomakemeangry. 对不起,我说,但事情真的推不开。接下来就是我要跟客户见面如何 如何可是,我越解释越是火上浇油,最后连我自己也气得不行。 Thatdinnerdidn'tturnouttobeourbest. 自然,那顿晚饭也吃得不开心。 Severalweekslater,whenIwasdescribingthesituationtoafriendofmine,KenHardy,aprofessoroffamilytherapy,hesmiled. 几个星期后,我把这件事告诉了朋友肯-哈迪。肯是家庭治疗方面的专 家。听完我的诉说,他笑了。 Youmadeaclassicmistake,hetoldme. 你可真是犯了一个典型的错误。他说。 Me?Imadethemistake?Iwasonlyhalfjoking. 啥,是我做错了吗,我半开玩笑问道。 Yes.Andyoujustmadeitagain,hesaid.You'restuckinyourperspective:Youdidn'tmeantobelate.Butthat'snotthepoint.Thepointisthatyouwerelate.Thepointandwhat'simportantinyourcommunicationishowyourlatenessimpactedEleanor. 当然是你错了,刚才就是。他说。你一直从自己的立场强调我不是故 意迟到的,但这不是问题的关键,关键是你确实迟到了,而且你的迟 到确实影响到了埃莉诺。 Inotherwords,IwasfocusedonmyintentionwhileEleanorwasfocusedontheconsequences.Wewerehavingtwodifferentconversations.Intheend,webothfeltunacknowledged,misunderstood,andangry. 这样说来,我只一味强调我的本意,而埃莉诺看重的却是结果。所以, 我俩讲的话根本就风马牛不相及,最后自然都会因为分歧和误解而生 气了。 ThemoreIthoughtaboutwhatKensaid,themoreIrecognizedthatthisbattleintentionvs.consequenceswastherootcauseofsomuchinterpersonaldiscord. 肯的话,我越想越觉得这种本意VS结果的争论正是很多人际关系不 和的根本原因。 Asitturnsout,it'snotthethoughtthatcountsoreventheactionthatcounts.That'sbecausetheotherpersondoesn'texperienceyourthoughtoryouraction.Theyexperiencetheconsequencesofyouraction. 事实表明,争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么,毕竟别人体会 不到你的想法或行为,别人体会到的是你的行为所带来的后果。 Here'sanotherexample:Yousendanemailtoacolleaguetellinghimyouthinkhecouldhavespokenupmoreinameeting. 举例来说,你给同事发了封邮件,说你觉得他本可以在会议上多做点 发言。 Herepliestotheemail,Maybeifyouspokeless,Iwouldhavehadanopportunitytosaysomething! 他回复邮件说,或许,要是你能少说一点,我就有机会插上两句了吧， Thatobviouslyranklesyou.Still,yousendoffanotheremailtryingtoclarifythefirstemail:Ididn'tmeantooffendyou,Iwastryingtohelp.Andthenmaybeyouaddsomedismayattheaggressivenessofhisresponse. 这种话显然激怒了你,但你又发了一封邮件进行解释,我不是要找你 茬,只想提点意见罢了。又或许,因为同事的回复太过分,你在邮件 里也添油加醋了一番。 Butthatdoesn'tmakethingsbetter.Hequotesthelanguageofyourfirstemailbacktoyou.Don'tyouseehowitreads?Heasks.BUTTHAT'SNOTWHATIMEANT!Youwriteback,INCAPS. 可这么一来,事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封邮件的原话拷贝给你,反 问道,那你这是写的什么,你特地用大写字母回邮以示强调,我不是 那个意思， Sohowdoyougetoutofthisdownwardspiral? 如此恶性循环怎么办呢, It'sstunninglysimple,actually.Whenyou'vedonesomethingthatupsetssomeonenomatterwho'srightalwaysstarttheconversationbyacknowledginghowyouractionsimpactedtheotherperson.Savethediscussionaboutyourintentionsforlater.Muchlater.Maybenever.Because,intheend,yourintentionsdon'tmattermuch. 其实,办法超级简单。当你惹别人生气了,甭管谁对谁错,先主动开 口为自己的言行向对方道歉。至于你本意如何,以后再说,或者永远 都别罗里吧嗦地解释,因为最后你的本意并不那么重要。 Whatifyoudon'tthinktheotherpersonisrightorjustifiedinfeelingthewaytheydo?Itdoesn'tmatter.Becauseyou'renotstrivingforagreement.You'regoingforunderstanding. 要是你觉得完全是对方做错了或有失偏颇呢,那也没什么大不了的。 又不是非得意见完全一致,只要能相互理解就行了。 WhatshouldIhavesaidtoEleanor? 那我该怎么跟埃莉诺解释, Iseeyou'reangry.You'vebeensittingherefor30minutesandthat'sgottobefrustrating.Andit'snotthefirsttime.Also,IcanseehowitseemslikeIthinkbeingwithaclientgivesmepermissiontobelate.I'msorryyouhadtositherewaitingforsolong. 生气啦,等了半个钟头,很不开心吧,唉,我老让你这样等我,老是 因为客户而耽误你,让你等我这么长时间,真心对不起啊。 Allofthatistrue.Yourjobistoacknowledgetheirrealitywhichiscriticaltomaintainingtherelationship.AsKendescribedittome:Ifsomeone'sreality,astheyseeit,isnegated,whatmotivationdotheyhavetostayintherelationship? 这么说也都句句属实,还能保证俩人关系和好如初。就像肯告诫我的 那样,如果人们觉得自己被忽视了,那还有什么理由相信这段关系呢, IntheemailbackandforthIdescribedearlier,insteadofclarifyingwhatyoumeant,considerwritingsomethinglike:Icouldseehowmycriticizingyourperformanceespeciallyviaemailfeelsobnoxioustoyou.Howitsoundscriticalandmaybedismissiveofyoureffortsinthemeeting. 再看我前面提到的邮件拉锯战。与其不断强调你的本意,不如试着这 样写,我在邮件上指正你的表现显然让你感到不爽了。这些话带有批 评意味,可能还抹煞了你在会议上的付出。 IsaidthiswassimplebutIdidn'tsayitwaseasy. 我说这很简单,但并不表示这做起来很容易。 Thehardestpartisouremotionalresistance.We'resofocusedonourownchallengesthatit'softenhardtoacknowledgethechallengesofothers.Especiallyifwearetheirchallengeandtheyareours.Especiallywhentheylashoutatusinanger.Especiallywhenwefeelmisunderstood.Inthatmoment,whenweempathizewiththemandtheircriticismofourbehavior,italmostfeelslikewe'rebetrayingourselves. 最难的就是我们会从情绪上产生抵触。我们总是专注于自己的挑战, 常常忽略他人的困境特别是当他人的困境就是由我们造成、我们又因 此被激怒时,更难以承认。这时,如果我们认同对方的立场以及对方 对我们的苛责,那就等于扇自己耳光了。 Butwe'renot.We'rejustempathizing. 所以我们不会认同对方,而只会一味强调。 Here'satricktomakeiteasier.Whilethey'regettingangryatyou,imagine,instead,thatthey'reangryatsomeoneelse.Thenreactasyouwouldinthatsituation.Probablyyou'dlistenandletthemknowyouseehowangrytheyare. 下面这个方法可以让事情变简单一点。当对方向你发火时,试着想象 他是在向其他人发火,然后你设身处地体会一下,或许你会倾听并发 现双方真的很生气啊。 Andifyounevergettoexplainyourintentions?WhatIhavefoundinpracticeandthissurprisedmeisthatonceI'veexpressedmyunderstandingofthe consequences,myneedtojustifymyintentionsdissipates. 要是一直没机会解释你的本意呢,事实上,我意外地发现,一旦我理 解了结果造成的麻烦,也就不再想去解释我本意如何如何了。 That'sbecausethereasonI'mexplainingmyintentionsinthefirstplaceistorepairtherelationship.ButI'vealreadyaccomplishedthatbyempathizingwiththeirexperience.Atthatpoint,we'rebothusuallyreadytomoveon. 原因在于,我一开始急于解释本意不外是为了弥补俩人关系,但通过 站在对方立场考虑,我不已经达到这个目的了嘛,如此一来,俩人也 都尽释前嫌了。 Andifyoudostillfeeltheneed?You'llstillhavetheopportunity,oncetheotherpersonfeelsseen,heard,andunderstood. 要是你还想作出解释呢,那么,机会也还是有的只要对方看上去已经 明白并理解你的处境。 Ifwesucceedindoingallthiswell,we'lloftenfindthat,alongwithourrelationships,somethingelsegetsbetter:ourbehavior. 如果我们能做好这一点,不仅人际关系会变好,我们的言行也会渐渐 改变呢。 AfterthatlastconversationwithEleanorafterreallyunderstandingtheconsequencesofmylatenessonhersomehow,someway,I'vemanagedtobeontimealotmorefrequently. 自从上次跟埃莉诺争执后,我切身体会到了自己的迟到给她带来的麻 烦,正因如此,不知不觉间,我竟变得越来越准时了，